Happosai's life of DOOM
by burgerbecky
Summary: Happosai has been selected to become a demon first class of Perverted Sex. Who is stupid enough to challenge him? Cross with Oh, My Goddess.
1. A life in review

Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 1, A life in review.

Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke.

By Rebecca Ann Heineman, with a tiny inspiration from "The Accidental Goddess" by Sinom Bre.

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or have me descend into the depths of madness. Wait... Hadn't that already happened?

* * *

Niflheim was not the place most people thought it was. Yes, there were pools of lava and brimstone in the public baths, but those needed to be reserved a few days in advance if a patron wanted to get the best magma. Aside from the studios where they filmed the "Teletubbies" and the "Police Academy" movies, Niflheim wasn't that bad a place at all, that was, if one didn't mind the loud angst filled screaming or the bitter cold. 

Tall futuristic looking skyscrapers dotted the snow covered landscape of this plane of hell. Numerous streets were filled with demons that wandered around doing those things that demons do, when they're not plotting world domination. Tallest of all the buildings in this unholy city was the home of the Demon Council, the inner circle of the demon elite. At the top of that tower was the throne room of the current master of Niflheim, Hild.

She was the beautiful, dark skinned, white haired demoness that ruled Niflheim. Wearing form fitting and very revealing robes, she sat on her throne that was made out of the skulls of her enemies. It was located in the middle of a raised dais surrounded by thousands of small demons that handled all of the paperwork that needed to be filled out, filed and woefully ignored. Most of the work was boring, tiresome and downright unnecessary, but it served a deeper purpose for those unfortunate souls. Hellish useless labor caused untold suffering among the workers and the pointless paper shuffling kept her minions' spirits depressed and broken. It was the model white collar office system, often imitated in other lower planes, but never duplicated. Many pointy-haired demon bosses that made their homes on Midgard, a place the mortals called Earth, came to visit to learn from Hild's wisdom and apply what they have discovered to promote suffering among the white collar office workers under their command on Midgard.

Taking a moment away from her happy thoughts of corrupting another human soul, Hild sipped from her wine glass and licked away the last drops of blood from the rim, savoring the flavor. Life was good. Happily, she tapped a few keys on the keyboard in her throne's armrest and read the latest status report from her field agents. Her spirit lifted further as she was pleased with her minions' progress on the plane of Midgard. All over the Earth, there were places of unrest, strife and just plain nastiness. The number of people who thought professional wrestling was a real competitive sport was at an all time high. Another Adam Sandler film was in production, guaranteeing that movie audiences would be experiencing more agony and wonder just why did they willingly pay for that torture. The instruction on the use of witchcraft to the world's children through Harry Potter lore was proceeding nicely.

She gave a toothy grin, showing a hint of her fangs, as she felt the waves of evil and darkness that came from the hearts of millions of twisted human souls. "Yes..." She relished in the dark power. "More evil... I can feel it... Huh?" A spike in the levels of evil she sensed gave her a warm toasty feeling. It was the same feeling of bliss she felt when Mt. Vesuvius blew its top so many centuries ago. This particular feeling, while good to her soul, was odd yet familiar, like she had felt it before. Usually such events gave her a gentle tingling, filling her mind with images of vampiric bunnies and black thorny roses dripping with blood, but this one had a tinge of delightful foreboding laced within it. It excited her that in the first time in ages, she was going to explore a new kind of evil. She sat up straight in her regal chair and focused her attention on a spot on the main island of Japan near the southernmost shore close to the city of Tokyo. She held her gaze there, not wanting to miss another spike and waited patiently to bask in its glorious darkness.

Then, she felt it. A cold, dark, bitter, and perverted evil, one she had sensed from time to time but couldn't pin down. Now was her chance to locate and possibly exploit this wonderful sensation by tapping directly into the source. She mused aloud, alerting her minions that something was afoot. "What's this glorious evil I sense?"

Rapidly typing commands into her terminal, an image of southeast Japan appeared and she zoomed in closer to see what was the origin of this great power. Her first stop was the Japanese Parliament building where many politicians were arguing about tax rates. She smiled as she watched the politicians reach for large blunt objects to throw at one another since screaming at the top of their lungs wasn't yielding their desired effect. "Ah, democracy in action," she whispered. She felt waves of distrust and suspicion radiating from the growing barroom brawl on the Diet floor. "Plenty of corruption there, no need to improve upon perfection, but..." Feeling her quarry was close by, she quickly pressed more keys and increased the scanner's sensitivity. She wasn't going to let the evil get away from her this time.

All around her, the worker demons were breaking out in sweat. On a giant viewscreen, the entire office office could see what Hild was tracking and they didn't like where the camera was being taken. Some quietly put down the papers they were shuffling to make a hasty exit. Others were concentrating their power to run interference with their mistress, lest she found out what everyone had been hiding from her for centuries. They all backed away from their leader as she called out in joy. On the viewscreen, was a particular mortal that all of the female demons gasped when he came into view. Hild was beside herself with glee. This mortal was composed of pure unadulterated unfiltered raw evil, and he was really short, old and repulsive. "Now, who is THIS?"

* * *

"What a haul!" Happosai, the pint sized three hundred year old perverted founding master of the Anything Goes school of martial arts, hopped on the lip of the stone fence that surrounded the front of Furinkan High School. He wore a thief's mask and carried over his shoulder a large black laundry bag filled to the brim with girl's gym shorts. A crowd of schoolgirls streamed out of the girls' locker room in hot pursuit of the aged dwarf. Leading the crowd was the tomboy, and unwilling fiancee to Ranma Saotome, Akane Tendo. 

Her Furinkan High School uniform's long skirt flapped as she ran at top speed after the evil man. Akane held her bokken in front of her, ready to strike the little creature down from the wall. Her battle aura glowed blue as she called out to him in rage. "Give those back!"

Happosai ignored her and continued running away without a care in the world. Akane was angry that her father was too spineless to do anything about her family's horrible house guest and he again was up to his old habit of making off with her friends' underwear.

"Ha, ha, ha!" Laughed the little gnome as he bounced along the wall, taking care not to let any of his treasures fall out of the overflowing bag. He looked back at Akane and stuck his tongue out at her while still running away without looking where he was going. "I've rescued these silky darlings from you! They're mine I tell you, mine... Oof!" His forward motion was stopped when the back of his head impacted on the sole of a slipper.

Attached to the footwear was Ranma Saotome, martial artist and part-time girl due to an ancient Chinese curse. He nonchalantly pushed the old man backwards with his foot. The boy sporting a pig-tail in his hair stood on the wall in a casual pose, looking bored as the same stuff, different day routine kept up its usual predictable course. "Up to your old tricks again, eh, ya freak?"

Happosai looked away from the tall boy in annoyance. "You just got lucky." He patted his black laundry bag to see if he had lost any of his precious cargo. Nope, all it was all there. "I've got what I came for and there's nothing you can do about it. I only let you stop me because I felt like it. Now if you will excuse me, I've got things to do and more girls to see."

Ranma confidently smirked as he waited a moment to let Akane and the Happosai appreciation squad get closer. "Okay, how about if you see this?" He reached into his orange Chinese shirt and yanked out a handful of bras. "Bra-Fu!"

Happosai's eyes got wide in bliss as his gaze followed the lovely bounty that filled the air. Then his lights went out with a precise strike to the head, courtesy of Ranma's fist. His inert body flew off the wall toward the pavement below only to be intercepted by Akane's bosom.

The old man clamped on like a tiny squid and he squeezed the young girl's breasts tight. Akane yelped in surprise and anger. **"ARGH!"** The young Tendo jammed her weapon between herself and the octopus impersonator to pry off the tightly attached lump to her chest. With a strong yank, her weapon flung Happosai across the schoolyard and she watched him fly away, silently hoping that he would receive a fatal smack against a tree. Too bad for the tree, but it would have been a noble sacrifice for the good of the planet. The sky was littered with something, so she looked up to see bras rain down from Ranma's previous attack. Angrily, the girl assumed the worst and shouted to her fiancee, "Those had better not be mine!"

"What would I want your underwear for?" Ranma shrugged, then plucked a few bras from the air and stuffed them back into his shirt for future use.

Akane's eyebrow twitched for a moment, as she wondered why Ranma carried a set of bras with him. Before she had a chance to ask Ranma to explain himself, a scream was heard from across the yard.

"Hotcha!" Happosai flew, arms forward like Superman, toward Yuka, Akane's classmate. The girl curled up and screamed with all her might as the living terror approached. Ranma, reacting to Yuka's cry of fright, jumped off of the wall to intercept the flying nightmare and landed on the pervert's head; cratering him into the concrete.

The old man was down, but not out. Despite his head being mashed into the ground, he shouted, "Happo-Daikarin!" A small paper ball with a lit fuse appeared in his hand and it was shoved into Ranma's chest. He only had a second to realize his error before the firecracker exploded, creating a blast that sent Ranma skyward trailing black smoke to mark his trajectory. He flew up and over the main school building, out of sight.

Happosai dusted himself from the soot and black powder residue from the explosive he had used. Sneering in the direction of Ranma's departure, the defiant old man spoke with a shaking clenched fist, "Nice try Ranma! But you'll never beat me! Never, you hear me! Never!"

He turned to glare at Akane who hatefully glared back. Their eyes stayed locked on each other for a moment before he raised his hands to his face with a childlike expression of sadness. Tears flowing freely, he wept like a toddler who had his lollipop taken away by a bully. "Oh, Ranma, how could you be so cruel to me? It saddens me that my disciple is so disrespectful to his elders. He almost ruined my collection! Akane, let me bury my sorrows... In your bosom!" The two mounds of flesh on Akane's chest beckoned him. He had no choice but to answer the call. He jumped with lightning speed to once again attach himself to his most favorite things in the world, besides female undergarments.

Akane held her bokken out with both hands across her breasts, using the weapon like a shield. The inhuman being grabbed it, swung around like a gymnast and flew over her head, and right toward the startled face of Sayuri. The poor girl covered her chest in a hopeless attempt to protect her body from his evil touch. "EEK!" She screamed and closed her eyes, not wanting to see what was about to happen to her.

"Sweeto!" Happosai changed direction in mid-flight as he saw a new and more attractive target, the bare glistening wet chest of Ranko Tendo.

Sayuri wasted no time and darted away from the impending destruction of the schoolyard. "Thank you, Ranko."

Taking a step back and holding her boobs out as irresistible bait, the red-head got ready to beat someone senseless. "Sweeto this, you ol' fool!" The just turned female after a dousing with cold water martial artist stuck out her foot to meet the path of the old fossil. She followed up with an elbow to his back and a fist to his shoulder. She saw Sayuri run to safety and gave a frustrated sigh. In female form, the student body had gotten used to calling Ranma, Ranko. She hated using the name Ranko Tendo, but if her mother ever found out that Ranko the girl and Ranma the boy were the same person, she'd be missing her head after a neat quick slice from the elder woman's katana.

Despite being used as a punching bag, Happosai was pleased with the view he had of Ranko's wet bare female chest. "You became a girl for me? How thoughtful of you." He reached out and tried to put the touch on someone, female of course.

"I'm a girl 'cause I got dunked in the swimming pool. No thanks to you, you ol' goat!" She lowered her shirt down to cover up her breasts, much to the disappointment to the male spectators of the fight. She jumped in the air and planted her feet on Happosai's head, pinning him down and he released his laundry bag of ill gotten loot. As it lay next to the freak, she grabbed it and lifted it high over her head to keep it out of his reach.

"Why'd you hit me so hard?" Happosai cried out with crocodile tears streaming from his eyes and he rubbed the parts of his bald head that weren't covered by Ranko's drenched slippers. Ideas of turning Ranko into a girl permanently flowed freely through his perverted mind. He wondered if he could use the weakness moxibustion again to have his way with her. Never mind the fact that Ranko would rather be boiled alive then have to go through any touching session with the little man.

Holding out the laundry bag filled with the gym shorts Happosai had stolen from the Furinkan Girl's locker room, Ranko shouted. "Because you're a thief and you deserve worse!" Behind her, a mob of extremely pissed high school girls gathered, armed with brooms, sticks, bokkens, chainsaws, and things that make you go boom.

The Master was very angry. Indeed, he was very, very, very angry. His unappreciative martial arts apprentice had taken his treasures away from him and was calling him a thief. A thief? Never! He saved those unmentionables and they were his rightful property. He knew that that boy turned girl must be taught a lesson in respecting his elders. He wiggled to try to get free, but was held down firmly by Ranko's foot. He was unwilling to surrender to someone who wasn't worthy to be a grandmaster of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts. His face was shoved into the dirt again and he looked upwards at the treasure the girl was denying him. "Give me back my silky darlings!"

The pressure on his back was doing a number on his spine. At first, it hurt like hell, but then he imagined if Ranko was a Japanese masseuse and was giving him a back rub by applying pressure with her feet, so he stopped trying to escape and considered his options while enjoying the unintentional massage. He rubbed his throbbing forehead. "And you didn't have to hit me that hard, you know."

Ranko touched her finger to her lip as if she was rethinking her course of action. She wasn't. "I should've hit you HARDER, old man!" At this moment, she and Happosai were completely surrounded. Ranko was a little nervous with all these well armed but poorly trained women within touching distance of her captive.

Happosai took the moment of distraction as a battle opening. He squirmed out from under Ranko's foot and jumped at her breasts. "I'll take your apology!" He glomped her chest and buried his injured forehead in between her breasts.

Ranko jumped back in surprise and felt violated at the unwanted touching by Happosai. Being touched by him while she was in female form always creeped her out, almost as much as going out on a date with Tatewaki Kuno. She yelled at the little evil gnome as she took a swing at him with her fist. "I'm not apologizing, you freak! Take that!"

She tossed the bag behind her so the pervert bashing squad could recover the stolen goods. With both fists free, she smashed the little creature into the grass with an overhead strike while he was busy making her very uncomfortable. She placed her foot on his back to hold him down and applied more force than the last time to keep him from escaping again. Confident that she had Happosai right where she wanted him, she, in a cute voice, called out to the girls, "C'mon everyone, wadda you waiting for? An invitation?" In an instant, the gathered crowd descended on the old man and bashed him into a thin pancake.

Standing a dozen meters away, watching the growing cloud of dust and swords, Akane stood calmly and held her bokken on her shoulder. "Honestly, you'd think he'd learn by now." She had little sympathy for Happosai as he was brutally beaten by her schoolmates, random female passerby and a meter maid.

Ranko stepped back as the crowd smashed the pervert with more enthusiasm. The dust cloud covering the battle grew while the shouts of the girls got louder. They happily dealt out some payback for Happosai's invasion of their privacy. A girl was pulling on the cord of her chainsaw and cursing that the thing wouldn't start.

The red haired girl shook her head slightly at the common sight of Happosai being pummeled by an angry mob. "Don't think he'll ever learn. In fact, I think the freak likes it." Sighing, she took off her wet Chinese shirt and wrung it out, much to the pleasure of the males nearby. "Now I gotta go get dry, or hot water won't change me back."

Hiroshi and Daisuke stood with giant orbs for eyes and drooled slightly at the sight of Ranko's bare chest bouncing to and fro. Akane huffed and moved to block the pair's perfect view of the pair of flawless female appendages they had the privilege to witness. The Tendo glanced in dismay at her fiancee's lack of feminine modesty as Ranko made no attempt to cover up her breasts as she continued to wring water out of her shirt. Akane growled while moving around to keep Hiroshi from getting another peek. "You idiot! Put your shirt back on! Why don't you wait until you change back to a guy before you do that?" She noticed the small pile of bras that had fallen on the ground from the first attack. She added. "At least put on a bra."

Ranko twisted her shirt one more time to get the last of the excess water out. Upset that she was going to have to wear a wet t-shirt, which currently wasn't much better than being stark naked, she put her moist silk shirt back on to shut Akane up. "Fine! See how long you'd like to wear your clothes after you go swimming in them." She turned to go off to the men's room to dry her clothes in private. "Oh, that's right, you'd be too busy drowning."

Akane lowered her foot down after delivering a well deserved kick to Ranko's rump that sent her toward the men's room at hyper speed. "Idiot." She looked back at the battle raging among her schoolmates. Hands, arms, poleaxes and feet poked out from the dust cloud in rapid succession as the punishment continued. "They're all idiots."

Daisuke and Hiroshi never took their eyes off of Ranko, even as she slammed through the men's room door. The image of her in a wet chest-clinging shirt, all but exposing her breasts for the world to see was burned into their memories forever.

Daisuke spoke with sadness. "Too bad she's really a guy."

Hiroshi replied with equal sadness. "We need more guys like her."

Akane rolled her eyes. "I'm surrounded by idiots."

"P-P-Pretty ladies..." Was all Happosai could croak out before he was supposed to croak for good. The girl with the chainsaw slammed the blade down on the Master even though she couldn't start the thing to use it properly.

In the distance, unseen by everyone but Happosai, sat a black robed figure on a school bench. The man's bony hand held an ancient scythe and his other hand was fiddling with a small object. Getting bored, he tossed the spark plug for the chainsaw he was playing with over his shoulder, then took out a notebook, made a mark in it, and vanished.

* * *

Amazed at her good fortune, the leader of hell basked in the evil that emanated from the old man. "What a refreshing new evil. It's the kind of evil I've been looking for. He will make a fine demon." She watched the melee with delight. Blow after blow rained down on Happosai as he took his punishment and edged closer to death. Hild clasped her hands in gleeful excitement. "I see he'll be joining us soon. I want his file." She held out her hand in expectation while keeping her eyes on the monitor watching the carnage in Furinkan. 

A rather icky looking slime covered blob-like demon slithered over to Hild holding out a file for her to read. She took the thin folder and opened it to the first page and read off the highlights. "Happosai, no last name, martial arts master, founder of the 'Anything Goes School of Martial Arts', created techniques for destruction, thievery, and **PERVERSION**. Hmm... I like him already." She nodded in approval while flipping the pages looking for his scheduled arrival date into the afterlife. She reached the last page and found what she was seeking was missing.

Unamused, she turned to her icky minion. "Where's the rest of the file? I don't have the birth date, his star sign and the hour of his planned expiration. I see nothing in this saying that he's been granted immortality. When's his scheduled time of death?"

A spider like thing oozing gooey stuff gurgled a reply. "Uh, that's all we have on him."

She re-read the entire file in seconds and found it was woefully incomplete. Many events that were normal for a mortal life were missing, like the date of his first step, his first kiss and his first giving or receiving of a wedgie. "There's only life documented here for twenty years of existence. It describes time he spent locked in caves or in suspended animation from entrapment spells. Where's his childhood? Where's his years of training and why haven't the last two years been documented at all?"

"Uh..." Was all the demon could say to her request without being blasted into a million pieces.

Hild was not going to accept "uh" as an answer. "Is that all you have to say!" She glowed a sickly yellow color, pointed her finger and blasted the creature into a thousand pieces. She held her attack back so the demon would only take five years to reform back to normal instead of fifty. Hild was in a generous mood for finding such a delightfully evil creature in Midgard. As usual, a bat-like demon flew in with a portable vacuum cleaner to pick up the mess and take it outside with all the other reconstituting minions.

Looking for the termination date and still not finding it, she summoned the person who could answer her question without excuses or the word "uh". Raising a hand above her head, she invoked deep magic. "Grim Reaper, I order you to come forth!"

A cloud of smoke and flame appeared for an instant before Hild leaving behind a skeleton wearing a black floor length cloak and holding a scythe over his shoulders. Death stashed away a plastic bag from Blockbuster Video into his cloak and turned to look at Hild with his empty eye sockets in his bleached white skull. Moving his jawbone to speak, a haunting voice seeped out. "Why have you summoned me?"

She opened the folder and motioned for Death to look at it. "I need to know the date and time of a mortal's exit from Midgard. His name is Happosai."

The instant the name was uttered, Death cringed.

Hild continued in a slightly better mood since blasting her minions always cheered her up. "When will he be joining us? Will it be today? I was watching him get beaten in a manner that all but assured that he will not survive. Once he is brought before judgment, I will be in attendance. I have plans for him."

Death fidgeted and spoke cautiously. "He won't be arriving today."

"He isn't?" Hild checked the file for any blessings or wishes that could have been granted that would have given him a stay of execution. He would have needed one to stave off the angry girl with the chainsaw. Perhaps a day in agony before he expired was his fate. She wouldn't mind watching that. "Then, will he be arriving tomorrow?"

"No, he's not scheduled to arrive tomorrow." He wasn't happy at being put on the spot, but he couldn't lie to Hild. He liked his job and wanted to keep it.

Hild grew tired at the evasive answers. It was not like Death at all to play games about a mortal's date of departure. The grim reaper loved to ramble on about when, where and how someone was going to assume room temperature. Something was up, and she knew she wasn't going to like it. "When will he be arriving?"

"Soon?" Death answered meekly hoping that she would accept the answer and send him on his way. He wanted to watch his video of 'Faces of Death 19'. He had been waiting for the release of the DVD for weeks and it finally was in stock. He wanted to see all the places he did cameos for them.

She set the folder on her lap, growing more tired at the questioning. The more the questioning went on, the more she suspected that Kami-sama might be involved in this. He always made things difficult for her. "How soon?"

"Really soon?" Death looked for any excuse to leave. An assault by the Valkyries of heaven would be perfect right now.

Hild twitched her eyebrow. "Give me the date, time and method of exit from Midgard."

Death chattered his bony teeth as he knew he was in trouble. His little side business was finally coming to an end. He held up an open palm toward Hild. "I'll get back to you on that." He hoped that she would buy that answer.

Hild stood up in anger, startling her minions. **"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!"** Some creatures fainted while others checked the time to see if they could leave a few hours early to avoid the impending cataclysm, firestorm or nuclear detonation. "What's so special about this mortal that you can't give me a answer to a simple question!" She turned to another minion, fire in her eyes and a look of damnation to anyone who gave her the wrong response. "There's more to this file, isn't there?"

A pink bull-like demon that didn't want to be blasted into ten million pieces ran over to a dirty rusted filing cabinet. He lifted it up off the ground to show a very old and thick folder hidden underneath. Dozens of nearby female demons ran toward the file in an attempt to intercept it. A tentacle popped out of bull-demon's back to grab the file from the ground before a female fire demon could roast the paperwork. Hild teleported the papers from the growing fracas into the safety of her hands. The fire demon, upon seeing that the file had made it to Hild's hands, held her breath and exploded, saving Hild the trouble of blowing her up.

The other demons stopped their battle and bowed down toward their leader in the hope that they would be forgiven and only be banished for a century or two.

Giving her troops a glare that meant that they were indeed looking forward to a massive dose of pain and suffering, or a Jerry Springer Marathon, she scanned the very thick folder. Opening it to the first page, her eyes grew wide. "Birth date was... That's not possible." She turned to Death. "What's the meaning of this?"

Death just shrugged.

"According to this, Happosai is over three hundred years old. He was supposed to have died in 1789 when a group of Chinese Amazons struck him down with arrows after he stole the Nan-Ban mirror. Explain yourself; why is he still roaming around Midgard, very much alive?"

Death slowly spoke with deep remorse. He was going to have to wait a while before seeing the video. "It wasn't his time."

"It says right here that... Wait..." She read an addendum that said that the arrows were deflected in mid-flight missing their mark allowing Happosai to escape unharmed. She read the next page to find that the System Force, a failsafe of the Yggdrasil system to ensure that destiny was fulfilled, tried to correct the oversight. "Death, why didn't you take him the next day? There was an avalanche that was supposed to crush him into oblivion."

He grasped his scythe with his bony hand and held it tight. "It wasn't his time."

She read the next paragraph, finding that the boulders had formed an air pocket large enough that his small size fit in perfectly. The next day the System Force tried again to send the little man to the afterlife.

Hild turned the page. "The angry shopkeeper with the sickle?"

Death answered quietly. "It wasn't his time."

"The wild horse that dragged him for seven kilometers?"

"It wasn't his time."

"The lynching squad?"

"It wasn't his time."

"The volcanic eruption?"

"It wasn't his time."

She skipped over a volume of pages and found an interesting entry. "Nagasaki?"

Death nervously adjusted the fabric around his neck. "It wasn't his time."

Slamming the folder shut in fury, Hild turned a shade of crimson, a color that rather flattered her dark complexion. "It wasn't his time for over three hundred years! Tell me what's going on, or I'll have you ground into flour and serve your dust to a bone eater! Now, TALK!"

Death had no choice in the matter. He needed someone to take the fall and he knew just the right person. He raised his bony hand into the air and invoked a teleportation spell. "Mara, I summon you!"

A flash of energy appeared next to Death and Hild's Earthbound minion stood surprised at being snatched from the bar where she was hanging out. She was holding a cup of sake in her hand. Upon seeing her boss, she hid the small ceramic cup behind her back. "B-boss... Nice seeing you."

Hild looked at her underling and then turned her gaze back to Death. "What's she got to do with this?"

Mara looked at Death in confusion, then at the name on the file that her employer was holding and gasped. Her eyes grew to the size of saucers, which caught the attention of Hild.

"Mara?" The queen of hell stared at the file in her hand. "What's your involvement with Happosai?" All of the bowed demons, Mara and Death shuddered again at the mention of that cursed name.

"Uh... nothing?" She sheepishly smiled.

Death looked at Mara in the eye as best as a creature without eyes could. "You promised me a favor. I'm not taking the rap on this one. I'm calling it in."

Mara gulped.

Hild frowned in anger at the two before her. "What's the meaning of this? What's your involvement with this mortal?"

Death gave his command. "Confess Mara, about why you owe me a favor."

"W-what?!?" Stuttered Mara. She shivered at the thought of having to talk about HIM. "I don't owe you anything."

"Really?" Death peeked his skull out of his hood, "I kept my end of the bargain, now you keep yours."

"I... Uh... I... Ask me to do something else." She stammered. "Please?" She begged. "Not that." She whined. "Pretty please?" She pleaded.

"You made a blood oath. You cannot break it." Death commanded. "Now, I invoke the promise you made. Tell her the truth."

The minion of the queen of hell wanted to be anywhere else but here. A blood oath was an unbreakable promise, just as binding a contract as a promise from a goddess. Once a blood oath was used, she had no choice but to obey. She tried as hard as she could to remain silent, yet the words came out nonetheless. "I... I asked Death to spare Happosai's life." She convulsed when she spoke the mortal's name.

Confused, Hild asked. "Why?"

"It's... well... you see..." She fell on her knees weeping. Just thinking about HIM brought terrible memories crashing down on her psyche, threatening to tear apart her sanity. The cat was out of the bag and she knew what could happen. The very idea of HIM going to hell was... Was... "Please! Don't bring him here! NO!!!"

Turning pages far faster than any mortal could, Hild read the file from cover to cover. "There were over a one hundred thousand attempts on his life. The only lull in this activity was when his two disciples got him drunk, threw him in a barrel of Nitro-Glycerin, placed him in a cave and detonated a ton of TNT. All that explosion did was put him out of action for ten years."

Mara's eye bugged out. "A.. A hundred thousand attempts?" She glared at Death in delight. "You've spared him over a hundred thousand times for just my oath?"

Death was on trial and the white-haired judge could spot a lie light-years away. Besides, Happosai's chips were about to be cashed in so there was no use in hiding the truth anymore. "Actually, your oath was only good for the one attempt."

Eyes twitching even more, Hild scanned the assembled group as the pieces fell into place. Mara wasn't the only one who asked for the evil man to stay on Midgard. She studied her demons and found many of them twitching and spasming with guilt. "How many of you had asked for Death to spare Happosai?"

Everyone female in the room but Hild raised their arms, tentacles, claws and miscellaneous body parts. Hild turned to Death in anger. "And who spared him today?"

He popped out a notebook and examined a recent mark. "That would be the goddess Peorth."

"A goddess?" Hild read the folder again. "I see is that this man is a thief, pervert and hated by millions. Why has he attracted the attention of a goddess?" She read the next to the last page. "Oh, he stole her underwear... How did he? Nevermind, but that's not a reason to spare him. If anything, a goddess would welcome his removal from the mortal plane."

Mara bawled out with genuine tears. "You don't know what it's like if he touches you! I know! I still have nightmares about that little creature! Leave him on Midgard, I beg of you! You'll doom us all!"

Scoffing at her minion's groveling, the leader of hell dismissed her pleas with a wave of her hand. "Nonsense! I've been looking for someone like this for centuries! Finally I've found the perfect candidate for the position." She smirked at Death as a new entry faded into the last page of the file. "I see that the System Force has decided that he's due to expire tomorrow at 10:15 AM."

Death gritted his teeth; pretty easy for someone with no lips or gums to get in the way. His only regret was that he had the next fifteen years already booked for sparing Happosai's life. He was going to have to release all of those promises and oaths he had collected in advance. Death tilted his head, resigning himself that his free ride was going to end. He had countless demons and goddesses that owed him favors already, so he didn't mind too much that he had to finally bring in this over-ripened soul. "Consider it done, my Queen. Expect his arrival at 10:15 AM Tokyo time, tomorrow."

Death faded away into nonexistence as he went back to his normal rounds, but first he made a quick stop at home to watch his newly rented movie.

Hild turned to her minions who were still prostrating themselves before her. Aiming her hand at them, a bright beam of energy flew out and roasted the horde. The creatures ran or slithered or moved however they do in every direction to try to put out the fires charring their flesh.

Aiming her hand at her only non-flaming minion, she smiled. "Now, Mara, you will tell me everything you know about Happosai."

Shuddering in fear, she told of her experience at the hands of the little pervert. The chase, the touch, and the loss of three complete sets of underwear just to start. Once her tale was complete, the blond demoness was a blubbering weeping heap on the floor, sobbing her eyes out. The demon queen smiled. "Such delightful evil, he will make a perfect demon of Perverted Sex."

Mara quaked in terror, for her worst fear was indeed coming to pass. Happosai was going to hell. Heaven help them!

* * *

Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and keeps your underwear safe and sound. 

Last edited on Saturday, June 23, 2007


	2. Rest in pieces

Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 2, Rest in pieces.

Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke.

By Rebecca Ann Heineman, with a tiny inspiration from "The Accidental Goddess" by Sinom Bre.

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or have me submit to the will of the taco-man. I love tacos! I love them good!

* * *

Mara was drowning her sorrows in a bar somewhere in the badlands of Niflheim. An area far away from where any sane demon would tread. Here, she could hope to hide from her darkest nightmares, but alas, the gesture would probably be futile in the end. In defeat, her head was laying down in the center of a small table with her face lying in a pool of spilled sake surrounded by dozens of empty shot glasses and ceramic bottles. A demon waiter walked by on its spider legs, picked up the three empty bottles that had fallen onto the floor and shook its lump that passed for a head in disapproval. 

A loud ringing in her ears greeted Mara as she awoke from her alcohol induced nap. Her first action upon reaching consciousness was to belch loudly, creating a foul-smelling wind blast that knocked over an adjacent table. She blinked her eyes open and groaned in sheer disappointment. "Uh... I'm still alive."

She held up an empty bottle that once contained a liter of high grade sake and tried to wish it full again. She wasn't successful. "Darn."

The demon girl sat upright, wiping away the sticky sake from her face with an overused napkin she had plucked from a napkin holder an hour ago. "Why? Why him?" She asked to no one in particular. "She's gone insane. She'll doom us all."

Entering the bar, the Norn goddess of the past, Urd, took one whiff of the foul odor the demon had emitted earlier and followed it to its source. As she walked over some unconscious patrons, she held her nose as she moved farther into the establishment. There, in a ramshackle booth, sat Mara, who was quietly attempting to erase her memories though fluid consumption. The demon's blond hair was matted with grime and her leather mini-skirt was dotted with bits of broken glass. The tall dark skinned goddess ran her hand through her long white hair and gave a small chuckle at her nemesis' current predicament. "I thought I'd find you here."

"Narf." Came the reply from the demon who was barely coherent and was hoping to reach non-corporeal drunken bliss. She struggled with a unopened bottle of sake, trying to coax the stopper off.

Urd wanted to sit down in the booth, but the seat cushion was covered with glass shards from a bottle that was used for target practice. She muttered a cleaning spell to wipe away the debris and sat down on the newly spotless seat. She wanted to place her elbows on the table so she could rest her head in her hands in an 'I told you so' manner, but decided against it since touching the strange fluids that were dissolving the table's surface looked like a really bad idea. Instead she sat upright and asked the pathetic looking demon just what was on her mind. "So, why did you call me here? Are you still trying to break up Keiichi and my sister?"

Mara was gnawing on the cork in another attempt to gain access to the blessed beverage within. All she could say with a mouthful of bottle was, "Zort."

"Articulate as always." Urd looked around the bar at the demons, onis and other damned souls populating the place. They each in turn looked back, then went about their business. She smiled at her table mate. "I see you've improved upon the quality of company you keep."

Mara lifted her head with a look of despair and hopelessness. The bottle wouldn't open and she was rapidly becoming sober; a state she desperately wanted to avoid. "Doom... We're all doomed."

"That's the spirit!" Urd reached over and tapped Mara's shoulder in a playful gesture, carefully avoiding touching anything that looked like it would adhere to her hand. "So, how are you going to end the world this time? Nuclear holocaust? Meteor? Flood, although Kami-sama already did that one with Noah."

"NOOOO... It's worse!" Mara put the bottle on the table and moaned holding her hands to her cheeks. She trembled in terror which shook the table, tipping over the bottle. She snatched it before it fell to the floor.

Raising an eyebrow in surprise, Urd crossed her arms while reclining in her seat. "Worse than ending the world? So, what's going on then? Has Hild been taking flower arranging classes?" The goddess of the past giggled at the thought of her demon mother Hild, doing anything remotely good or wholesome.

The leather clad demon grew cold and her tone went dark and foreboding. It sent a chill down the spines of all who heard her words. "You've never seen true horror have you?"

"True horror? Other than the thought of Keiichi hanging around my sister for eternity and never consummating their love, or J. Edgar Hoover in a dress, what could be worse? Tele-marketers with speed dials? A new form of email spam? Or did you find a way to make cell phone plans even more confusing than ever?"

Mara summoned all of her courage to say the most unholy word in any language. "Happosai."

Urd gagged, coughed, shuddered and slid into a boneless heap on the filthy floor in convulsions.

Mara peered under the table to watch Urd make a fool of herself with her spasms. "I see he has the same effect on you too." All around the pair, other female demons were in the same sort of pose on the ground, writhing and twitching at the mere thought of the old pervert.

The half-demon on the floor stopped twitching for a moment, choking out words with great effort. "Y-y-you didn't say H-h-happosai? Did you?" She pulled herself off of the floor. She reached across the table to grab Mara firmly by the shoulders. "DID YOU!?"

Mara just grinned.

Urd eyes went wild and she shook Mara violently. "W-w-what happened? H-he didn't... You know... Kick the bucket? He wasn't supposed to!"

The demonic marks on Mara's face shrank as her eyes grew. "Y-you didn't make a deal with Death too? Did you?"

Urd looked away in embarrassment. "I... Uh.. Well..."

"You too, eh?" A tall female succubus with silver hair, dark skin and vampire fangs spoke. She had heard the name that should not be uttered and came to see why anyone would utter it, so she could kill him.

"You too?" Another demoness came forward, as did another.

Urd released her iron grip on the blond haired demon and sank in her seat at the booth in fright. She took a deep breath, counted to ten in ancient Norse, calmed down and crossed her legs. "Well, at least that pervert won't be leaving Midgard anytime soon. I've pushed his death off until next year. It cost me a promise, but keeping him away from the lower planes was worth it."

A collective sigh of relief came from all the female demons and some of the male ones as well. A voice came from yet another female demon. The short blue skinned creature exhaled gently as her worries subsided. "That's a relief."

Mara sank in her chair, nervously looking around at the patrons who were disbursing. "Urd, could we speak in private?"

Since the subject matter was already disturbing and Mara did call her to talk about something urgent, Urd took Mara by the hand to help her out of her seat. Mara stumbled and staggered but Urd was able to guide her out the door of the bar and into the street. She continued to guide her until they reached a back alley. There, she sat the half-drunk demon on an empty crate and used a simple spell to keep sound limited to just between them. The goddess wiped off the top of another crate, sat down and spoke. "This is about him, isn't it?"

Mara nodded. "Hild... Oh... We're doomed!"

Urd was deathly afraid. Hild was up to something and that never led to good news. If this involved Happosai, it was really bad news at the same level of the coming of the apocalypse, or worse, maybe there was another revision to her cell phone plan. "What's she up too?"

The demon tried hard not to break out in tears. She held it in, but uncharacteristically wailed like a newborn baby just after being swatted on the butt after birth. "She found out about him! She wants to make him a demon! WWWWAAAAAAHHHH!"

Urd gasped in revulsion, then curiosity. "A-a... Wait? You mean that he isn't already?" She thought about her brush with the foul creature, the stalking, the touching... Oh... Not the touching... "Y-you sure he isn't a half-demon?"

The blond demon slumped over as she lost her remaining hope and will to live. "That's the problem. He's a mortal and he has those kind of powers. I don't even want to imagine what he'd be like if he joined us in Niflheim."

"What about Death? I've got a deal with him." Urd held her hands to her hips. "That troll is not checking out of Midgard until next year at least."

"I guess you hadn't been told then." Mara sighed. "Death has canceled all unused execution stays at Hild's direct order. She wants him to expire the next time the System Force deems it so."

Getting hopeful, Urd happily kneeled next to her sometime adversary. "Maybe the System Force will decide that it's best that he stay in Midgard, for oh, say, ten thousand years."

Mara hopelessly whispered. "Tomorrow at 10:15 AM."

Urd blinked in confusion. "Say again?"

Her eyes were empty and lifeless. All hope had been abandoned and despair had moved in to take its place. Mara was a broken woman. "Death already told me the time he's scheduled to leave Midgard. Tomorrow at 10:15 in the morning, Tokyo time."

Urd bowed her head in defeat, then looked up in absolute apathy. "Well, there goes YOUR neighborhood. I'm going back to the temple now. I don't think I'll be visiting Nilfheim anytime in the next millennium, or ever. I hope you understand."

Mara growled.

* * *

Kasumi, the eldest of the Tendo sisters and full time surrogate mother, stepped out of the kitchen holding a steaming pot of miso soup. She gently placed it on the supper table and called out to her extended family. "Dinner's ready!" 

Instantly, Ranma and his part time Panda father, Genma, appeared at their usual places at the table, chopsticks at the ready. Both combatants stared lighting bolts at each other waiting for either one to make the first move in martial arts dining. Genma eyed the rice steamer while Ranma planned his attack on the soup pot.

Akane rushed down the stairs and sat at her place next to Ranma. She wasn't thrilled that her father insisted that she had to be close to her future husband, even though the whole idea of getting married to him was the pair's parent's idea. She watched the two for a moment as they were grabbing every edible thing on the table and gobbling it down like someone who hadn't eaten in a year. She spoke in an annoyed tone as she carefully reached for the rice scooper, hoping they wouldn't sever her hand for interfering with their meal. "Will you two try to leave some for us!"

Nabiki entered the dining room and slowly kneeled down at her usual place at the dinner table. "Yes, it's rude for guests to eat before the host arrives." She shifted her weight on her pillow at the table until she felt comfortable. She turned to see her father, Soun Tendo, sit at his place for dinner. Nonchalantly, she picked up her chopsticks and reached for a pickled beet. "After all, you're guests here." She gritted her teeth as the other house guest or pest as she thought of him as, bounced into his seat.

Happosai picked up his bowl of soup and drank from it rapidly. Once finished, he slammed the empty bowl on the table. He proclaimed proudly the collected family members. "The host has arrived, namely me."

Ranma raised a fist in defiance, while using his other hand to ward off his father from taking his pickled beets. "Since when were you the host? You freeloading pervert!"

Nabiki whispered quietly for her own amusement. "Pot, kettle, black."

The old leach smirked triumphantly and twirled his pipe with confidence. "Soun owns the place and I'm his master. As my student, he must obey my every command. It's part of his training."

Soun bowed reverently toward his instructor. "Why, yes, oh, kind and gentle master."

The pig-tailed boy chomped down on a beet before his father could snatch it away from him. He deftly stole a lump of rice from Genma's plate and made motions to keep it from being taken back. "Oh, man, I tell you, when I take over the dojo, things will be different around here."

Nabiki sighed at the massive doses of cluelessness that filled the room. She spoke in her no-nonsense tone of voice that she usually reserved for dealings with Kuno. "You'll only get the dojo after you marry Akane." She shot a glance at Happosai. "Then you can ask unwanted occupants to leave."

"Well, I..." Ranma grimaced since he knew exactly what was going to happen next.

Soun stood proud behind Ranma, Genma appeared next to Soun and the two men happily danced around in a circle. "Yes! Ranma will be the official host once they wed."

Soun pointed to Nabiki. "Call the minister. they will be wed at once." He happily had thoughts of Ranma finally ejecting the master from the home once and for all.

Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Okay, Daddy." She put her hand in her pocket to get her cell phone, having no intention to actually place the call. Past experience dictated exactly the night's activities down to the second. She accelerated the speed she ate her food before tonight's entertainment began. Like usual, she was going to sit back and enjoy the ride.

Akane was shoved closer to Ranma by her father. She pushed back. "No way am I marrying that jerk!"

Ranma shoved the rice ball he took from his father into his mouth, swallowing it quickly and then delivered his standard response. "As if?! Who'd want to marry a sexless uncute tomboy like you?"

"Tomboy! Why I outta..." She pulled out a mallet from somewhere and smashed Ranma over the head with it, leaving him with his head shoved in a soup bowl and his hands sticking up with warding gestures.

Soun sobbed as only a grown man could, with gallons of tears gushing out. Kasumi made a mental note that the little bonsai tree near the dinner table won't need to be watered for a week. Soun grabbed Ranma's shirt and openly wept into it. "Ranma! Why do you treat your fiancee like that?"

Genma gave the look of righteousness at his flattened son. A look honed from a decade of practice in the fine art of intimidation. "Boy! How can you call yourself a man when you can't even defend yourself from a blow from a girl?"

Ranma recovered from the mallet attack at that insult and stood face to face with his father. "Call myself a man? Why don't you marry her instead and leave me out of this?"

Genma smirked in retaliation. "You're the only bachelor in our family."

Ranma yelled back. "I ain't marrying nobody!"

Happosai finished his second cup of soup while the shouting match was going on. He watched the argument with great interest. Hearing the discussion, he found an opening that had to be exploited. "Akane! I've got a better solution. Marry me instead! I'll join the houses and take over the dojo!"

He jumped to glomp Akane but the young Tendo girl was ready for him. She swung her weapon down and the business end of her mallet connected with the old man, smashing him into the center of the table and the impact sent food flying in every direction.

Akane screamed at the center of the maelstrom. "Get away from me, you pervert!"

Nabiki had already finished her soup. She sat quietly as table fragments, salt shakers, napkins and foodstuffs whizzed by her in rapid succession. She waited until there was no more debris flying by, got up and ignored the growing chaos. "I've had enough fun for the evening. I'll be upstairs, doing my homework." She left without a further word and contemplated just how much money it was going to cost this time to fix the dining room.

Kasumi pulled out a hand towel from under her apron. She wiped up some of the soup from the walls. She hummed a happy tune. "They're so full of energy."

With food going in every direction, years of starvation training kicked in. Ranma reached into the air, grabbed a flying rice ball and stuffed it into his mouth. He punched at his father's stomach but missed when Genma dodged. Genma grabbed a bowl of soup before it hit the floor and slurped it down in one gulp. "You're getting slow, boy!"

Ranma ducked to avoid a kick and delivered a kick in return to his dad's ribs. The fat man flew out the back door and into the yard. Ranma paused to grab the last two flying rice balls from the air and followed Genma to finish the argument.

Akane pulled her mallet from the ruined table to find that the crater in the center of the room was empty. She looked from side to side trying to find the squashed old man. "Where did he go?"

Happosai popped out of the hollowed out mallet from a secret hatch just like a cartoon character. "Hiya cutie! Let's say we go up to your room and consummate our love?"

Akane reflexively hurled the mallet through the window, sending it and the unholy occupant outside. The mallet stopped when it shattered on the stone compound wall. Happosai appeared on the windowsill to taunt his bride-to-be. "C'mon Akane, is that how you treat your betrothed?"

Akane turned red with fury. She clenched her fists and spat out her words hatefully. "B-b-et... You sick, disgusting creature! I'll never have anything to do with you even if you're the last man on Earth!"

Happosai thought about it for a moment. "So, you're saying the wedding's off?"

"It was never on to begin with!!!" The short haired tomboy was shaking her fist in rage. She looked around the room for a suitable weapon to impale the old man with.

Soun groveled. "Master, Akane is to wed Ranma. Maybe you should consider another suitable candidate: The woman you took care of when you were an octopus pot perhaps?"

Akane threw a chair at Happosai, who vanished before it could connect with his skull. "I'm not marrying anybody!"

A loud splash was heard outside, shortly followed by a second one. A female voice yelled in anger. "Serves you right, Pops!"

A panda's voice answered. "Growlf!"

More blows could be heard as the two continued their fighting among the koi. Happosai rubbed his hands together in glee from his perch in a small tree. Now that Ranma was in the form Happosai preferred, he had lost all interest in Akane. "Ranma-chan! How I've missed you!" He waited patiently for an opportunity to present itself to let him to cop a feel on the red-head.

Inside, Kasumi placed a hand on Akane's shoulder, instantly calming the young girl down. The elder girl knew exactly how to diffuse a situation and this time was no different. "Sister, could you help me fix the table?"

Akane sighed and nodded. She effortlessly lifted the table halves while Kasumi placed small blocks of wood under it to hold it up. It was a temporary solution; the table was on its last legs, literally. Kasumi checked her handiwork for stability and sadly told her sister the news. "This will have to do until I can get a replacement, tomorrow." She looked at her younger sister with motherly disapproval. "You have to learn to control yourself."

The young Tendo melted at her elder sister's words. "I'm sorry. He just makes me so mad." Both women shuddered as something large and heavy was shattered in the backyard. They didn't bother to look to see if anyone was hurt since it was an all too common sound from the Tendo backyard. Akane slowly took a few steps toward the doorway and watched the fighting outside with melancholy. Nothing ever changed around her home and she wondered if it ever would.

Outside, the fracas continued. Ranko upped the ante by lobbing boulders at her panda father. The bear returned the favor by swinging bamboo poles like a bo staff, batting the giant rocks as if they were playing a lethal form of baseball. Happosai stood in the shadows, saw an opening and hopped onto Ranko to savor the texture of her soft supple perfect feminine breasts. She flinched at the touch and grabbed him by the neck and threw the tiny leach at Genma who batted him into the sky. Happosai gave a goofy grin as he receded into the night. "It was worth it! Woo hoo!"

Akane gaze followed the little man as he went flying into the air and she saw something that caught her eye. She squinted to get a better look at what she thought she saw. There, standing on the roof of the dojo, was a silhouette of a man. The unknown figure worn a black cloak that billowed in an unseen wind and held a scythe over his shoulder. He placed a pale white finger under his neck to signal that someone's throat was to be cut. She blinked her eyes to try to get a better look, but the figure was gone.

The Tendo girl wondered if what she saw was real. "Weird." She looked down from the roof to see a panda and a girl wresting on the ground, hands on each other's throats. She had seen enough and turned away from the door. "Hmm... Maybe, not so weird."

* * *

In an ornate palace, a pair of demon guards stood at attention. The two men had the appearance of soldiers who lived and loved life in the armed services special forces. One was a burly man with biceps that looked like he could win a body-building contest with them alone. The other man had a look of someone who had witnessed far too many wars but was ready to fight in another one. 

Both men held giant axes and stood guard at the entrance of their mistress' bedroom. Despite their years of training and battle, they sweated and trembled from the laughter that they had the unwanted privilege to listen too. The strongman grumbled. "What's she up to now?"

The grizzled one answered. "Do you really want to know?"

Another cackle came from the room sending chills down their spines. The musclebound warrior looked at the dark wood doors for a moment and then looked ahead at the corridor in front of him, trying to focus his mind on anything else but what was going on behind the door. "No, not really."

The older demon was proud that his junior partner had wisdom. "Good, the last guy who peeked in there ran screaming. I never did find out what happened to him."

The younger man cocked an eyebrow in reply. Curiosity started to gnaw at him, but another laugh quelled his interest to look inside the Pandora's box that the bedroom represented.

Inside the huge lavishly decorated sleeping chamber, the white-haired, dark-skinned, tall, beautiful leader of the underworld was getting excited at the prospect of a new demon at her beck and call. She lay down on her silk covered bed reading the complete file on Happosai's life.

She was careful not to tear the ancient parchments. Page after page of horrible acts of thievery, perversion, lechery and other evil deeds were read and re-read with great delight.

"Where have you been all my life?" She turned another yellowed page. "Such delightful evil." She turned another page. "So decadent." She turned to the last page that included the evening's attempted fondling of Akane and Ranko. She read the appendix and found an interesting footnote. "And he's still a virgin."

She was going to have a good time with this twisted soul. She gave a demonic laugh filled with malice and darkness.

It sounded just like Kodachi Kuno.

* * *

Miss Hinako Ninomiya, the pint-size chi-vampire thanks to yet another one of Happosai's schemes to collect female undergarments, wrote three sentences on the blackboard for the current lesson. "Now, as you can see, phonetics mean very little in English. Take the word knife for example..." 

Outside the window of the classroom came the shouts of angry women followed by a gleeful laugh from a familiar old man. She took a peek at the clock on the wall to note the time. "It's too early for this. Doesn't he usually wait until after lunch?" She pulled out her fifty yen coin in preparation for punishing old decrepit perverted delinquents. She ran out of the classroom toward the stairway in an attempt to intercept her instructor in the Happo Fifty-Yen Satsu.

Ranma took the more direct approach. The instant his teacher ran out the door, he jumped, feet first, out of the third story window to the ground below. He paused for a moment to track his quarry. The old man had changed tactics today. Instead of hanging around school grounds, he had already bounded over the wall into the cityscape. The pig-tailed boy picked out a direction to cut him off and darted skyward, roof hopping first onto the school wall then onto a building across the street.

Happosai bounced from roof to roof with yet another laundry bag filled with his priceless collectibles. "Heh, I've recovered what's rightfully mine. Too bad those suckers thought that they could keep my silky darlings away from me."

Ranma was in hot pursuit. He jumped onto the roof just behind the running pervert. "Hey! Where ya going ya old lech? Bring those back!"

Happosai loved a challenge and once Ranma appeared in his life, it was full of challenges. Stealing underwear was far more fun when Ranma joined in the chase. He taunted his adversary by sticking his tongue out. "Can't an old man have a little fun in his golden years?"

Ranma glanced behind at the entry gate of Furinkan High. There, a small group of girls swung open the barrier and ran into the street to pursue the old man. "I don't think they'd agree with you."

"They've got so much to share. They wouldn't deny a dying man his last request. Woo hoo!" He jumped across a wide street to the roof on the other side.

He was impressed with Happosai's jumping ability. Not bad for a man who constantly complained that he was at death's door knocking loudly. "Yeah, you're dying alright." Ranma sprinted fast and furious to close the gap between him and the old goat. In moments, he had caught up to him and he lunged forward to grab the gnome by the shoulders. Instead, he found a tobacco pipe shoved into his hand and the pig-tailed martial artist was propelled into the air against his will.

Happosai stood his ground and shook his head in disappointment. "So reckless are the young. They have much to learn before they can attain true enlightenment." Happosai felt a cold chill in his spine. A chill he knew quite well. He cocked his head around and leered at the figure standing behind him. He sneered at his old acquaintance. "Hey, long time no see. It's been what? Ten hours since the last time you came for me?"

Death stood on the roof next to Happosai, robes flowing in the wind. "Sorry to say, this time it's for real."

Happosai took a defensive stance. "You can try. You've never beaten me before and this time isn't any different."

"It's your time." The figure disappeared and a tiny hourglass remained. The sands appeared to only have a minute left before it would run out .

"Hey!" Happosai looked around for where Death had vanished off to. He focused his senses to see if he could find him by other means. He was aware of everything around himself and felt nothing. Finally, he detected motion and found that his efforts were not in vain as the old man barely dodged a well-placed foot that would have knocked him off the roof.

Ranma did a forward flip with his momentum and tried again to land on the little gnome. Happosai dodged again. Ranma did a spin kick that didn't connect either. "Dying ol' man eh? You're pretty fast for someone who says he's dyin'. Give that stuff back!"

"Make me!" The shriveled pervert raised a battle aura making a giant image of himself. "Behold the mighty power of the 'Anything Goes School of Martial Arts'!"

"Yeah, right!" Ignoring the image, Ranma jumped forward and pushed the little man off the roof and onto the street below. Without warning, a firecracker exploded in Ranma's face blinding him for a moment. As he fell, the little man enjoyed his moment of triumph. "Ha ha! Got you!"

The wind from the fall had an unexpected side effect. Happosai's bag burst open and the contents spilled out in a cloud of silk, satin, lycra and cotton. "My darlings!" He snatched a few panties from the air and shoved them back into the bag, only to inadvertently spill even more of the precious cargo. He landed on the pavement, made a needle and thread appear, and quickly mended the bag to keep any more of his stolen goods from escaping.

A horn blared as a large truck barreled down on the road at high speed. Happosai had the bad luck of landing on the only highway containing high speed traffic within a kilometer of the high school. He judged the truck's height to be enough to just duck under, so he didn't see the inherent danger of staying on the road with ten tons of steel fast approaching. He saw three bras fluttering in the wind generated from the other cars and moved to gather the underwear to place them back into the safety of his black laundry bag.

The driver opened his eyes wide in shock. He slammed on the brakes and gritted his teeth hoping he'd be able to stop in time to avoid crushing the old man on the highway. Happosai only had milliseconds to duck.

And duck he did. Contorting his body like a limbo dancer, he pressed himself down on the pavement as the tractor whizzed harmlessly above him. He smiled as a bra that had somehow got stuck under the truck came within arm's reach. He plucked it off the drive shaft as it flew overhead and quickly stashed his goody with all the others he had safe in his bag. As the trailer passed overhead, Death clung onto a spare tire that was mounted on the undercarriage. Having the time of his afterlife, with practiced ease from an eternity of collecting souls, his icy cold hand touched Happosai's forehead as he was distracted by the bra he was rescuing. "Gotcha at last! No one escapes Death!" Death laughed as the trailer continued moving, flaming tires screeching, slowing the truck to a halt. Mission accomplished, the skeletal man faded away.

"Fool! You didn't do anything!" Cursed the old man as the truck finally came to stop with the rear wheels of the trailer directly overhead. Tangled up in the axles were several more bras and panties. "Sweeto!" Cried out Happosai as he jumped up and quickly saved these silky darlings from a horrible fate. As he was about to grab the last bra, a loud pop was heard as one of the tires holding up the trailer exploded. Instead of jumping to safety, Happosai lunged forward and grabbed the last article of female clothing just as all the remaining tires popped in unison.

The trailer fell. Happosai tried to jump out of the way, but a bra strap got caught in a piece of protruding steel. The delay cost him as several tons of trailer and cargo landed on him, covering the area with smoke and flame from the burning tires.

Ranma recovered from being stunned from the firecracker and arrived at the edge of the roof, rubbing the smoke from his eyes to see what was the source of the loud screech below. On the road, a tractor trailer rig was skidding to a halt and cars were swerving to avoid hitting it. Ranma sullenly moaned about this new twist to the chase. "I hope that ol' freak didn't somehow blame this on me."

The smoke from the burning tires cleared for a moment and Ranma saw Happosai's body roll out from under the rear trailer. The little man was covered with soot and tire marks, but otherwise looked unharmed. "Serves you right, you ol' freak."

As Ranma prepared to deliver a good pounding on the unnatural thing, he got into position to jump down when a Toyota Camry came out of nowhere. The driver had swerved to avoid hitting the stopped truck and was losing control as she over-steered. Her car spun out and it swung back and clipped the fuel tank under the side of the tractor, spilling fuel on the road. A moment later, the car came to a stop. Seeing the fuel puddle under the truck, the truck's driver wasted no time in running away from his vehicle. "Get back!" He screamed to the growing crowd of onlookers.

Ranma gasped. "Oh no!" Without any thought for his own safety, the boy jumped down to the Toyota. The screams of a hysterical woman, having a panic attack in her car, brought Ranma into rescue mode. She was wildly waving her arms around, totally incoherent from the trauma of the spin out. He leapt over the hood of the car and yanked the door open. He gently cautioned the woman as he did a quick check to see if she was injured. "Let me get you out of here."

His martial arts senses screamed to him that he didn't have much time. He touched a pressure point to get her to stop struggling and unbuckled her seat belt. He lifted the medium height Japanese woman out of her car and ran off.

Everything exploded from the diesel fuel that had spilled from the ruptured gas tank, sending a ball of flame across several lanes. Ranma shielded the woman with his own body to keep her from being burned.

All around the pair, cars were stopped and some people were assisting the driver of the truck. They too, ran for cover as the Toyota also exploded into a flaming fireball. Ranma jumped away from the busy street, over the fence that separated the road from the pedestrian walkway and gently laid the woman down.

Ranma turned around to see the fire die down. He remembered that Happosai had been dealt worst blows than this. "Okay, ol' man, where did you go this time?".

Rising from the pyre, like a phoenix, was a blackened old man. Happosai, emerged from the flames with only singed hair and smoking clothes as evidence of injury. He was openly weeping. In his hands, he held the crispy remains of a bra. "You did this to me!"

Ranma smirked and called back to the evil creature. "You deserved it old man!"

"My darlings! My collection... Uhhh..." He clutched his chest in agony. At that very moment, the hourglass on the roof of the nearby building ran out of sand. "My... My..." He reached into the air to grab a flaming bra that fluttered to the ground. He held it as if it was the source to life itself. He petted it lovingly for a few seconds before shuddering again. "My precious." He fell face forward onto the asphalt. With that, the trailer tipped over and burst, spilling hundreds of cases of pantyhose all over the little man, giving him a fitting burial.

A passerby watched the old man fall and then turned to Ranma. "Aren't you going to help him?"

Ranma shrugged at the massive pile of female underwear. "Why? Knowing him, he's probably in heaven."

A clock at a nearby bank read, 10:15.

* * *

Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and maybe, just maybe, I'll kill off Happosai for good. 

Last edited on Sunday, June 24, 2007

* * *


	3. A warm place

Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 3, A warm place.

Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke.

By Rebecca Ann Heineman, with a tiny inspiration from "The Accidental Goddess" by Sinom Bre.

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or make me listen to an entire CD of white noise.

* * *

Happosai lay face down in a strange place. His arms lay forward as if his hands were holding onto something, like perhaps a pillow made of panties? He slowly regained consciousness and sat up, shaking his head to quicken his trip to alertness. He examined his hands, finding that his imagined panty pillow wasn't within his grasp. He softly cried at the tragic loss. He paused for a minute and gave a moment of silence to wallow in sorrow, mourning for his missing silky darlings. Once his tears were spent, he spied the ground, noticing that it was vastly different than the pavement he had remembered a moment ago. 

All around him was white. Everything was white. Up was white. Down was white. In all directions, the color that greeted him was white. Even the sunless sky was pure white. Carefully, he examined his clothes and found that at least his thief's uniform was still jet black and hadn't been dipped in bleach.

The white ground he was standing on was smooth like linoleum with a cloudy mist gently covering it. It was as if he was in a featureless room that went on for kilometers with no horizon to be seen in any direction. He definitely wasn't in Tokyo anymore and there wasn't any female underwear in sight. He feared this place could be his personal hell.

The evil man sniffed the air to try to ascertain just where he was. The still air had no odor at all and there was no hint of a wind. He closed his eyes, held his breath and listened intently for any sound. It was deathly quiet; even the sound of his own heartbeat was missing. In a panic, he felt his chest only to find that the reason for the absolute silence was that his heart wasn't beating at all. Before he could ponder the relevance of this odd fact, he felt a nearby presence and slowly opened his eyes to see his companion of three hundred years.

Death stood silently a few meters ahead, grinning his calcium rich teeth at Happosai.

The memories of the last few minutes came rushing back and Happosai knew exactly where he was. Yet, the little man remained defiant and unrepentant. His thoughts remained on the black laundry bag and the bras that appeared at just the right moment to lure him to his doom. He knew now who was behind it and he was facing him right now. "So, you had to cheat to get me, eh?"

Death chuckled at another job well done. "When you've been on the job as long as I have, you'll find out I'm full of surprises. Besides, you did have a chance to save yourself, but I knew better."

Raising an eyebrow in surprise, the little gnome nodded in understanding. "Ooohhh... That's fighting dirty."

Death crossed his bony arms, resting his scythe over his shoulder and spoke with a tone of annoyance. "Consider it payback. Who was it that threw a steak at me when you were being chased by wolves? It took me an hour to retrieve all of my bones."

Happosai tried to remember that event and had a dim recollection of it. The wolves were hungry for some Happi Burgers and they were trying to take away his rightfully stolen meal. "Hmmm... Oh, yeah, it got those wolves off my back and it only cost me half my dinner. Thanks."

The grim reaper tapped a finger on the handle of his weapon. "And who was it that said 'look behind you' when you dove into a sewer pipe the instant the Americans bombed Nagasaki?"

He didn't really remember the exact events of that day, so he bluffed. "Uh, huh."

"Although for a few days I did have a tan," Death admitted.

The old fossil got happy that something good had come out of that event, even though he still couldn't recall just what happened. In grand tradition, he played along. "See, I did you a favor!" He silently hoped for a favor in return, like possibly the directions to where the pretty ladies hung out. "How about we call it even and you put me back in my body?"

"However, who was it that covered me with women's underwear when I was visiting the hospital? You and that little chi-draining girl were enough to ward off the nurses chasing you without involving me. After they touched me, they all fell dead. I had to spend the rest of the day putting the souls back into those women's bodies."

Happosai blinked in puzzlement, but it did trigger happy memories. He got away with a lot of silky panties that day, thanks to Miss Hinako, but he didn't remember Death being present. But then again, he was over three hundred years old and little facts like who was his fall guy of the day weren't important enough to care about. He asked quizzically, wondering if his recently earned favor was now null and void. "You were there?"

"Yes, and many other times as well. Now, I've had enough playing around with you." Death slammed down the wooden handle of his scythe to the ground, making an impact noise that lacked an echo but got Happosai's complete attention. He pointed the blade in a seemingly random direction. "Your judgment lies that way." He turned to the little dwarf, looking at him with empty eye sockets. "I've done my job. If you choose to travel elsewhere, be warned. Purgatory goes on forever and you could get lost here for all time." He softly added, "I know many who would be pleased if that happened to you."

The evil one looked in the indicated direction with great suspicion. That way looked no different than any other direction he could see. "You're not lying are you? You wouldn't lie to an old friend, now would you?"

Death pointed his bony finger accusingly at the old dead man. "It's been real. It's been fun. But our time together has come to an end. Good bye, Happosai and have a nice day." He swished his cloak and faded away.

"Hey! Come back!" Happosai jumped at the translucent image only to find that it had no substance. He hit the ground with a thud. He got up and turned to face the direction he was told to go. He raised his fist in the air and proclaimed to the wispy clouds around him. "I'll beat this and I'll punish you, Ranma and anyone else who gets in my way."

He began a jog toward judgment, destiny, and something less white.

* * *

Ranma felt strangely cold and he was laying down on a firm cloth surface. He couldn't open his eyes for some reason so he took stock of his situation with other senses. He knew his shirt was off by the temperature of the air, but it was the feeling of someone gently touching his back that sent a chill down his spine. Instinctively, he tried to jump up and run away from the fiancee that had somehow gotten him into a compromising position, but he instantly found that he had no strength to break free and braced himself for his imminent pummeling by all the other women who considered him their future spouse. 

None came, much to his surprise, so he awoke, finding himself on a stretcher on the sidewalk with no memory of how he had gotten there. He weakly looked toward his back to find a medic, male thankfully (since he didn't want a beating from a random fiancee for yet another misunderstanding), applying burn salve to his shoulder blades. The swelling from some first and second degree burns he had somehow acquired was going down and the medicine was working its magic on him. He asked as best as he could speak from his awkward position. "Uh, how did I get here?"

The medic put the tube of salve back into his first aid kit. He placed a blanket over the boy's lower back and legs, taking care not to make contact with his upper back. "You were in shock from some burns you suffered and collapsed. You've been out cold for over half an hour. What's the last thing you remember, son?"

Groggy from regaining consciousness and his appointment with a gasoline fueled fireball, he tried to put the last few moments of his life back together again. He cocked his head to the side so his mouth wasn't contacting the canvas anymore and spoke clearly. "What was I... Ah, I was helping this lady get out of her car, then there was these explosions." He looked around the area to get his bearings. He saw dozens of people milling about, rubbernecking at remains of the traffic accident. A group of firemen were stowing their hoses back on their fire truck since they were done watering down the burnt out Toyota a short distance away.

A man in a suit and tie approached the medic and spoke to him for a moment. After he finished his conversation, he kneeled next to the resting martial artist. "I'm detective Miyashi of the Tokyo Police department, Nerima ward. I've got a few questions to ask you." He flashed his identity card / police badge.

"Sure." Ranma closed his eyes thinking about why he was lying on a stretcher. He couldn't remember being injured when the car went up in smoke, but then he was busy trying to save the woman's life. Maybe the old freak had injured him without knowing it with some new never-before-seen technique. Ranma couldn't reconcile how that could be true since Happosai was pretty toasted from the fire and had passed out from pantyhose overload.

The detective got out a pad and pencil to take notes. "Do you know the name of the other gentleman?"

Mental capacity being in full operation, he replied the best he could. "Huh?"

"I've got witnesses that say that you were involved with the deceased before the accident." He scribbled something into his notepad and continued. "Why were you on the roof of that building over there?" He pointed his pencil to a building across the street.

"The roof? Oh, I was chasing that old coot." Ranma lay on his side on the stretcher to get a little more comfortable.

He wrote something down and looked at Ranma with a hint of a smile. "Why were you chasing him?"

He didn't know? Everyone chased Happosai. Ranma couldn't believe what he was hearing; there was actually someone in the Nerima ward of Tokyo that didn't know about Happosai's little 'hobby' and the fact that he was universally hated by all? It was time to get this man up on current events; let's start with the basic facts. "He stole the girl's underwear at school."

Miyashi nodded. He had been warned about a certain career criminal in this part of town. "Pushing him off of a building is a bit extreme for petty larceny. What did you have against this person?"

Ranma got flustered that anyone would think the old man didn't deserve to be shoved off of tall tower. He raised his voice in anger, both from the detective's lack of a clue and that the little troll had escaped him. Being on a stretcher for half an hour meant that the creep had already raided at least three more locations and relieved them of their valuables. Ranma had to put a stop to this and the officer was wasting his time. He blurted out, "It's Happosai! The guy's a rotten pervert. Ask anyone, they'll tell you."

"I intend to." He wrote down the name Ranma mentioned, then checked a previous note on his pad. "Now, I have here that you pushed him off the roof before the accident. True?"

Now we're getting somewhere, Ranma thought. This guy would probably freak out once he found the phone book sized file on the evil creature back at police headquarters. Well, Ranma assumed the file would be that big, but it was the officer's own fault for not knowing about the most famous criminal in all of Nerima, possibly even Japan. Ranma didn't think it would hurt to answer the officer's questions, since it was just another day in Nerima for the pig-tailed boy. His father usually had him avoid talking to the cops, but this time pops wasn't in trouble, yet. "Yeah, I pushed him off. He wouldn't give up the bag without a fight."

Raising an eyebrow in surprise, he had a possible motive and now he tried to narrow down the method of the crime. He asked a baited question. "You pushed him four floors down, onto a busy highway?"

"It never mattered before." Ranma shrugged. "The guy's indestructible."

Miyashi paused at the admission of guilt. This was going to be an easy case. He liked easy cases. They were so rare in the police business. "So you admit that you pushed the old man onto a busy highway?"

The detective waved to some officers standing nearby to come closer. "Mr. Saotome, why did you kill... What was the name you said? Happosai?"

Now it was Ranma's turn to be surprised. "Kill? What do you mean kill?"

I've got a live one, the detective thought. They always try to pretend they didn't know anything once they realize that they would have to pay for their crimes. He spoke in a professional unemotional tone to his prime suspect. "You heard me. At approximately 10:15 AM today, you pushed Happosai onto a busy highway that resulted in two wrecked vehicles and that gentleman's death. May I remind you that your confession is admissable as evidence and will be used as such."

"He's dead?" Ranma's world crumbled around him. Things like this never happened. Yes, they fought with blows that could kill an untrained person, but all of Ranma's opponents weren't untrained. Never once had he even really put anyone's life in danger and now, someone was dead and possibly by his own hands? He had never had to deal with death before. He hated the old man, but never actually wanted him dead. He tried to rationalize what he had been told and it locked up his brain.

"Very much so, why did you kill him?" The detective's face went serious and grim. He had his man. He was going to get to go home early today with another criminal safely behind bars.

Ranma stuttered as the seriousness of the situation came to light. "H-h-he can't be dead! That's impossible, he's taken worse blows than this. He was fine just a while ago. He's hiding under those boxes." He pointed over to a smoldering pile of debris. "Well, maybe he's not under there right now, but he's certainly not dead."

He's taken worse than this? Not likely, thought the officer. Fine? Define fine. The man was in a body bag roasted like a suckling pig. This boy certainly shouldn't believe that anyone in that old man's condition was 'fine'. This was going from and easy case to moderate one. It looked like he'll be going home at normal quitting time after filing the proper paperwork. He confronted the boy with reality, taking his statement apart with professional ease. "I find that difficult to believe. He was run over by a eighteen wheel tractor trailer and then immolated when the gas tank exploded on the car you blew up."

"W-wait just a minute here!" Ranma exclaimed, finally understanding what the detective was insinuating. "I didn't blow up that car. That lady smashed into that truck and all I did was get her out."

"That's your story. Now tell me the truth and it'll be easier on all of us." He flipped his book to another page. "A witness does substantiate your claim to rescuing the driver of the second vehicle, but he also stated that you refused to assist the deceased when he needed aid. That doesn't sound like the act of a hero, now does it?"

"Wait just a second! That freak didn't need any help. If anything, it was just another one of his tricks."

They always made it difficult. In a dull monotone, the officer laid out the rock solid case he had against him and there was no denying the truth. "That's not what the facts dictate son. Now, just tell me why you killed him and we can get this over with quickly. It seems that you've got a long record of vandalism and delinquency. You're also listed as an accomplice to the victim's little nightly forays. So what happened? Did he cut you out of your share of the loot?"

"My share!?!?" Ranma screamed as he bolted upright, flinging the blanket covering him off to the side. He stood shirtless to the delight of random female pedestrians. "I'll tell ya that I ain't got nothin' to do with that filthy pervert's little thievery! If anything, you should be arresting him!"

Closing his pad, the detective stood up to face Ranma. "I can't arrest a dead man. I've got witnesses, motive and opportunity for a charge of premeditated murder in the first degree. You'd better get yourself a lawyer if you want to play the innocent hero. You're coming with me." He turned to the nearest officer. "Take him into custody."

"Wait! It's not what it looks like!" He struggled as an officer placed the young man's hands behind his back and handcuffed him. Ranma stopped struggling once the cuffs clicked into place. "I'm innocent! I didn't do nothin'!"

"That's what they all say." He nodded to the officer who grabbed Ranma from behind to escort him to a waiting police car.

The news had spread rapidly among the students of Furinkan that Happosai was dead and all of the females came running to see if that blessed event was true. Miss Hinako had already declared it a day off and dismissed her class so she too could join in seeing for herself that the greatest evil in all Japan was no more. She led the class down the street only to stop at a candy store, an ice cream shop and now she was sitting in a movie theatre watching a kid's film. The rest of the class left her when she stopped at the candy store and they formed a group that had gathered around the accident site. Yellow police tape marked a perimeter to keep the onlookers at bay.

Akane watched Ranma from behind the police barricade, flabbergasted that he was being arrested for ridding the world of the greatest menace to society. Ukyou Kuonji, student by day, okonomiyaki chef by night, stood by the Tendo, waving at her fiancee to attract his attention. The chef's eyes were filled with tears as she saw her friend being humiliatingly led away. Akane glowed a bright blue at the officer who blocked her attempt to jump the yellow police tape.

Ukyou screamed out as the police led Ranma to a car and opened the rear door for him. "Ran-chan! What are they doing to you?"

Akane grabbed the officer's shoulders, leapfrogged over him and ran to her betrothed. "Ranma!" She dodged another officer to get to her husband to be and glomped him in worry. "Just what in the world did Happosai do to you this time?" Thoughts of the moxibustion technique that Happosai had inflicted once on Ranma flooded her mind. She feared that the wicked man had done something just as sinister and Ranma was being treated for its effects. Even though she outwardly demonstrated that she didn't want to have anything to do with the young martial artist, she did care about his well-being. Sometimes.

Ranma gasped in pain from the minor burns on his back where Akane's hands were touching. He weakly tried to escape her iron grip. "ARGH! Knock it off before you kill me!"

"Miss." Miyashi gripped the young Tendo by the arm to pry her away. "We're placing him under arrest. He'll be taken downtown. You can see him during visiting hours."

She tightened her hold on her fiance, worry evident on her face for the imagined torment that Ranma was going through. His lack of ability to ward her off and the burns on his back gave her more reason to believe that his strength had been sapped again. She held him possessively and glared icy daggers at the detective. "You're not taking him anywhere."

Behind the trio, an officer shouted out commands to an enraged woman with an unusual cooking implement. "Miss, put that... Uh... Whatever that is down!"

Ukyou repeated her demand. "Where are you taking my Ran-chan?" She was fit to be tied and someone forgot the rope. Her best friend was being falsely accused and she wasn't going to take it lying down. She held her giant baker's peel like a sword ready to deal out swift justice to anyone who dared to keep her away from Ranma. "There's no way he's guilty of anything!"

Ranma slid down, writhing in pain being inflicted from Akane's grip. The salve acted like a lubricant, preventing Akane from keeping him from his appointment with the stretcher. The medic dived in and caught him by the shoulders before he oozed onto the pavement. Akane lunged forward to grab her fiance again when Miyashi pulled her back by tightening his grip on her arm where he had held her. She retaliated by taking a swing at the detective with her free hand.

Miyashi jumped back to avoid a fist to the nose. "Who are you and what's your relationship to this man?"

"I'm Akane Tendo, Ranma's FIANCE!" Akane screamed just as five officers tackled her to defend the detective. With Akane acting violent, ample amounts of violence were applied in return. She struggled for a moment before the weight of five men built like football players stopped her from moving.

Seeing that Akane was subdued and the immediate danger had passed, Miyashi brushed off his dress shirt and cautiously approached the young pissed off high school girl. "Okay, I'll let this transgression slide because he's your fiance, if that's the truth. But you'd better calm down or I'll have you arrested as well." He turned to the chestnut haired woman wearing a boy's high school uniform who held four officers at bay with an odd steel weapon. He asked her in a professional tone of voice, ready to jump away if she too got violent. "And who are you?"

Ukyou screamed back while swiping the air with her giant spatula for effect. "I'm Ukyou Kuonji, his cute FIANCE!"

Miyashi blinked in surprise. This was an unexpected development. "Two fiances? Oh, we've got a player here." Shaking his head in disbelief, he opened his notepad to document this new complication to the case. "This is going to be a long day."

No sooner had he finished writing down the facts into his notes, a bicycle flew from nowhere to land next to the medic holding Ranma. Shampoo waved at her husband by Amazon law with a cheerful look across her face. Upon seeing Akane being held down, her smile grew wider. She batted her eyes at Ranma and spoke in a sweet child like voice. "Nihao, Airen! You take Shampoo on date?"

Miyashi stared wide eyed at the purple haired Chinese woman. "And who are you?"

The new girl proudly exclaimed, "Ranma is Shampoo's husband!" She looked in all directions to see if the joyous news of Happosai's demise was true. If so, it would make Ranma a saint among the Amazon tribe and strengthen his place among them; once Shampoo convinced Ranma to do the right thing and go back to China by her side.

"This is going to be a REALLY long day." He scribbled more facts into his notepad as beads of sweat formed on his brow. This case was getting weirder by the second.

Black flower petals filled the air and a girl clad in a green gymnastic leotard with a rose motif appeared on top of the trailer of the ruined truck. She twirled a red rhythmic gymnastic ribbon and pointed the staff at Ranma. "Officers, what are you doing with that man?"

The detective was now deathly afraid to ask, but his duty required it. At first his voice was weak but then he raised it so the gymnast could hear him clearly. "And... Who might you be?"

"I'm his lover! Kodachi Kuno," She bowed. "At your service."

His head was spinning. Things like this didn't happen in Yokohama. Maybe moving to Tokyo wasn't such a good idea after all. "This is going to be a REALLY REALLY long day."

Ukyou jumped away from the officers who prevented her from getting close to Ranma and she landed on the truck to confront the crazed gymnast, weapon held ready. She issued her challenge to the lunatic girl. "Back off Sugar, Ran-chan's mine!"

Kodachi Kuno, the Black Rose as she was known, cackled an insane laugh, "I came as soon as I heard the news." She faced the officer. "I'm here to post bond for my Ranma darling!"

The detective whispered. "Is she for real?"

Shampoo landed on the other side of Kodachi. The Amazon was trying to translate an unfamiliar word from Japanese to Chinese in little success. "Bond? What that? Some secret agent?"

"Why, my uneducated adversary, it means that my darling will be in my care until the trial. My family attorney will see to it that he stays comfortably in my estate until we can straighten out this misunderstanding. After all, we'll prove together this was justifiable homicide. Happosai deserved swift execution for his crimes against humanity."

No matter what they felt about Kodachi, all girls within earshot agreed completely with her last statement.

Akane muttered from under the five cops holding her down. "I'm glad that pervert's gone. Now, could you please let me go?"

Ukyou nodded. "If anyone had to go, it was him."

Shampoo nodded in agreement. "Shampoo and great grandmother happy to hear pervert go very bad place."

Kodachi approached the lip of the trailer and regally announced her intentions to the police below. "I will take my darling into the protection of house Kuno. I'll personally see that he behaves until justice prevails. Then, we shall be wed." She let out a demonic laugh.

Rubbing his head as his migraine grew in intensity, Miyashi looked up at the very strange gymnast. "He's not going anywhere but downtown with me. I'm..." A paper was shoved into his face, testing his will to keep sane. "What now?"

A very short Chinese woman with long white hair in a black business suit, tie, black loafers, dark sunglasses and holding a lawyer's briefcase bowed with respect and introduced herself. "I'm Mr. Saotome's professional attache, Cologne, from the embassy of the People's Republic of China. This is a letter allowing me to take him into my custody."

"Say WHAT!?!?" Miyashi looked at the paper he was handed, frustration and confusion evident on his face. He scanned the heading, trembling at the words imprinted on it. "D-d-diplomatic immunity!?!? Just what the hell is going on here?" This case had now reached, the Twilight Zone.

"Mr. Saotome is an ambassador of the Chinese Amazon tribe. He is the husband of the great granddaughter of the ruling matriarch and as such, he has the full protection of the Geneva convention as a full ambassador of the nation of China." She lowered her sunglasses and leered at the detective. "You can't even give him a ticket for jaywalking."

He read the document again. It had the seal of the Chinese embassy and looked real. He waved to his assistant, thinking that now would be a good time to use his accrued vacation and go somewhere far, far away. "Narita! Call this in and check it out." Officer Narita took the paper, eyed the woman with suspicion, then went to use the radio in his squad car.

Akane grunted from under the weight of her captors. "Honestly, you can let me go now."

Shampoo laughed for an instant. "Pervert girl stay down. Akane learn place in world."

"Why, you!" Akane squirmed to try to get out from under the men to pummel the Amazon. The men used all their might to keep her still and were amazed at just how strong the girl actually was.

Ukyou eyed the two other girls on the trailer with her, stowed her weapon behind her back and jumped off to the ground below. She held her hands up for the officers' benefit. "I'll behave." The officers stood back in complete confusion as she went over to her childhood friend. "Oh, Ran-chan, I'll get you through this."

Ranma groaned from his place on the stretcher where the medic had placed him. "Why me? Who did I piss off in my past life to deserve this?"

Calling out from the top of the truck and continuing when she landed beside Ukyou, Shampoo huffed. "Shampoo take Airen home! Husband go home to China."

Reaching behind to grip her spatula and taking a fighting stance, Ukyou stared lightning bolts at the Chinese bimbo. "He's coming with me, Sugar! He's not going China or anywhere else but to my place."

"Ho, ho, ho, he's coming with me!" Kodachi somersaulted, making a perfect ten point landing next the other two girls.

From under the cops, Akane's voice moaned out, "Fine, whatever."

Ranma turned around to lay on his back mouthing soundlessly the words he didn't want any of the fiance brigade to hear. "Will all of you just shut up and leave me alone. I don't need any of you." Sadly, Ranma wasn't in complete control of his vocal cords and as usual, the words slipped out for all to hear.

Ukyou, Shampoo and Kodachi stopped arguing with each other and they screamed in unison. "WHAT!?!?"

Akane jumped out in fury, cops flying everywhere, mallet ready. "Where do you get off telling me to shut up! Why you!" She lunged at him smashing the now empty stretcher with her mallet as Ranma dodged with his hands cuffed behind his back.

Ranma danced around, dodging mallet strikes. "Knock it off you stupid tomboy! Geez, you can be so uncute."

Akane snarled, face flushed with red. "Uncute am I? I'll show you uncute!" She took another swing with her mallet, causing the pig tailed boy to spin around and he ran down the street with Akane nipping his heels. Shampoo with bonbori, Ukyou with a battle spatula and Kodachi with a gymnast ribbon took the roofs in pursuit. Seven police officers followed the horde for a moment but were no match for the group's speed or ability to run on the rooftops and gave up the chase after half a block.

Miyashi threw his pad to the ground, angry that his suspect was getting away. "Dammit! I want an all points bulletin on that kid."

"It doesn't matter." Officer Narita called out from the police car. "The diplomatic immunity paperwork is legit. If you want the kid, we've got to file a request with the Chinese embassy." He tossed the corded police microphone onto the driver's seat in dismay. "We can't touch him."

Smirking, the Amazon elder in the business suit made a bow. "I'll see to it that my son-in-law will behave himself until this is all straightened out. Now, where is Happosai's body?"

"Why? Does he have immunity too?" Miyashi asked incredulously.

"No, thank the ancestors." Answered Cologne with a sigh of relief.

"Then, do you know this person?"

Cologne went from a playful smirk to a frigid frown in record time. "Unfortunately, yes. I need to see the body."

Seeing that his hands were tied and for all he knew, this was an official request from China, he pointed toward a coroner's vehicle nearby. "He's this way." He escorted her to a body bag near the burnt-out Toyota. There, on the pavement, was a child sized black vinyl bag with a zipper keeping it closed. All around it were charred remains of feminine undergarments. "Here he is, but I doubt you can identify him. He was pretty burned up from the fire. We've already requested dental records to get a positive ID."

Brushing away the collected ashes from the bag, she spoke to the detective without taking her gaze away from the task in front of her. "There's no need for that. I have my own ways."

She pulled out a small gem from the jacket pocket of her business suit. She held the precious stone over the black body bag and saw no change in the gem's luster. She slowly unzipped the bag as if she was afraid a youma would emerge and eat their souls. Once the zipper had moved enough to expose the charcoal briquette that once was Happosai, she touched the remains with the gemstone. The magical sapphire didn't change in any way. Cologne took a hard look at the body, seeing only a passing resemblance to the man she once cared for, hundreds of years ago. A few moments of silent contemplation passed as she touched the body with the gem at numerous points. Nodding in approval, she zipped up the body bag and slid the gem back into her pocket.

She sat silent next to the bag in deep thought. A few minutes passed with Miyashi wondering if the old woman was either in mourning or had fallen asleep where she sat. Suddenly, the old woman joyfully jumped up and down in ecstasy. "Yes! Ding dong, the witch is dead! Yeehaw!" She danced, twirled and strutted on the asphalt with a huge happy smile on her face. "Oh, happy day! We'll sing about this day for generations to come!" She jumped up to Miyashi and kissed him on the lips, shocking him to the core.

"Joy to the world! Today is a day for celebration!" She bounced off over the rooftops with as much glee and energy as Tigger. "Mark your calendar, today's Ranma day! Yippee!"

Papers and loose trash fluttered to the ground around the detective and his officers as they stood like statues from witnessing whatever the heck they just saw. The men held their rapt attention for a minute before Narita spoke up. "How do we file this?"

Miyashi dropped his pad from his lifeless fingers. It was the only motion any of the dumbfounded policemen could muster at this moment. He softly answered, still in a daze. "I'm wondering if we should file this at all."

* * *

Saint Peter stood at the pearly gates of heaven behind a podium topped with a well used thick book. The landscape around him was completely white with a cloudy mist filling the air obscuring everything in the distance. Behind him, were two beautiful gates made of gold, pearl and ivory preventing unauthorized entry to the realm of heaven, or Asgard as some of its residents called it. He made a notation in the book of judgment and asked a question to the soul at the head of a line that went on for kilometers. It was a query he had asked millions of times before. "Name?" 

An African-American girl in a white angelic robe approached the podium, ready to face judgment. She answered with just a hint of fear and hope. "Amanda Petersen."

The Saint turned the page in the book to find her name on the invitation list for heaven. "Ah, yes, Amanda..." His oration was interrupted by a female scream coming from the back of the line and it got louder as other women joined in the chorus.

"Sweeto!" Happosai glomped a girl in line causing her to shiver in panic. Other souls awaiting judgment reeled back in horror as the creep bounded from female to female.

A woman fell to her knees in prayer. "Please forgive me! I repent! I didn't mean to feed the animals!"

"Hotcha!" Happosai leapt onto the woman's back, wrapping his arms around her and squeezed her breasts hard.

"I'm in hell! I'm burning in hell!" The woman collapsed in terror.

Screaming in glee, the freak held on tight to the limp body on the ghostlike ground. "Heaven! I made it to heaven! I always knew I would! Bring on the ladies. Woo hoo!" Happosai released his latest victim to select the next object of his affections.

Saint Peter took a good look at the twisted little man who was disturbing the tranquility of the procession of souls. Shuddering in recognition, the Saint gasped. "Oh, no! And Death told me that he wouldn't be coming for..."

He waved his arm and magically, a golden rope appeared just above his right shoulder. He closed the book of names, knowing that Happosai wasn't listed anywhere in it. He passed judgment on the evil thing, a decision that had been made hundreds of years ago. "You have been found wanting. I don't think anyone here would mind if you go first." He pulled the rope, satisfied that justice was served.

The fluffy white mist that covered the ground disappeared under Happosai as a square hole appeared, leading to blackness. A torrential wind tried to suck him down with the force of a hurricane, but the little man held onto his victim. The girl struck the pervert in the face and he lost his grip and slid toward the hole to nothing. "No!" He grasped the edge of the open hatch to avoid oblivion.

All of the other souls stood unaffected by the wind and watched in fascination as the little man held on despite a torrent they didn't know existed. A fat old Japanese woman stepped out of the line and took a good look at the old fossil, scowling at him. She pointed at him accusingly, and screamed in recognition. "I know you! You're the one who wouldn't steal my underwear!"

"Huh?" Cried out Happosai, struggling from experiencing infinity. "You're that ghost that wanted me to steal your ugly bloomers, aren't you?"

"Nice that you recognize me you old fool. It's because of you that I stayed on Earth for years with unfinished business." She stood above the man she too was passing final judgment on. "That nice boy, Ranma's his name wasn't it? He had to force you to steal my underwear to release me from my bondage on Earth."

Happosai's eyes bugged out, the thought of this woman in a bondage outfit almost causing him to slip away. "AHHHH!"

"Now..." A halo appeared above her head. "I can finally rest in peace." She smashed her slippered foot onto Happosai's shriveled hand.

"P-p-pretty ladieeeeeesssss..." Screamed the little troll as he fell into the endless void. Hundreds, then thousands, then millions of angels, cherubs and Saints applauded the old woman's great deed. She took a bow and sprouted wings. She flew through the open gates of heaven, trumpets blaring and angels singing, announcing her arrival to eternal bliss.

* * *

Happosai was drifting between the realms of reality. His twisted soul bent and folded as it moved silently through the void that existed between the Kami planes. He felt pulled by an unseen force in a certain direction. 

Down.

It was down.

He was going down.

He wasn't surprised in the least.

Moments that seemed like years lazily passed him by, boring the ancient martial artist. "Hmm... Is this what the afterlife is like? Not much if you ask me."

A deep female voice answered him from behind. "I'm not asking you."

Happosai turned around to find that he wasn't in a void at all, but a colossal cave, brightly lit from hot lava that covered its floor. Thousands of sharp black pumice stones protruded from the magma that served as tiny islands in a sea of suffering. Screams of anguish filled the chamber from countless burning souls bathing in the red-hot liquid. One of the flaming souls swam over to the shore and grabbed a bar of Lava brand soap, smiled at Happosai, then swam under the magma. Happosai wasn't amused. This creature appeared to be male.

"Over here." Came a sultry voice from nearby.

Happosai clasped his hands together. "Hello, Nurse! Will you be washing my back for eternity?"

"You wish." The white haired, dark skinned female demoness hid a faint smile. "I've got a proposition for you."

"I'm listening." He was.

A thick folder appeared in her hands and she opened a bookmarked page. "I've been reviewing your file and found that I may have a position that you could fill for me."

Happosai drooled. "I've read the Kamasutra. I know all the positions." He barely kept from bursting out in a nosebleed with dark, evil, twisted, and perverted thoughts.

Hild used all of her strength to hold back her delight. Every lust or sex demon she had elevated to the level of Demon First class of Perverted Sex had either exploded a few days later on the job or died with a smile on their face. This little creep had enough self control and raw skills that he might actually last an entire week. The fact that he was still a virgin meant that his virility would be at its peak and allow him to perform his duties better than the last candidate. She had high hopes for this man. The last candidate died of anticipation.

She closed the file and held it over her groin. She looked him over one more time and decided that he was the right man for the job, as long as he could last at it that is. "Happosai, the job is a hard one, requiring stamina for you to keep it going all night long. You have to arouse feelings that inflate your dedication of performing at your best level. You can stiffen yourself to a rigid regimen to satisfy the duties inwardly and outwardly of your office. As long as you're up to it, the job is yours."

"And what job might this be?" The innuendo flew over his head like a jumbo jet flying over an ant.

Hmm... Thought the demon, they usually don't ask to read the fine print. "It's a special one, and I'll tell you this. If you refuse, you'll have to spend eternity here in torment."

Happosai took a moment to take in the sights around him. Lava falls flowed onto unlucky souls barbecuing them in their scalding heat, never-ending screams of agony were coming from every direction and half of the damned were female. In the pervert's mind, fifty percent meant it wasn't THAT bad. It was an empty threat in his mind.

Confidently crossing his arms, he asked again. "What's the job?"

Grinning, showing her fangs, she gave him just a hint. Enough to wet his appetite but not tell him everything. She got more signatures on the contact that way. "Demon, first class." She added in a slow sexy voice. "License, unlimited."

"Hmm... A demon, eh? What area of influence?"

Hild didn't want to tell him, but this dead mortal knew more than he should. He must have had a working knowledge about demons and how they were organized because of his question. She had to tread lightly since every other demon in the past would try to escape or refuse the post since they knew that it was a death sentence to accept the job. She contemplated other forms of hell that would force the evil creature before her to accept the position offered him. She held that thought if things went badly in the next few minutes. "The area of influence is Perverted Sex."

His eyes widened. "P-p-perverted sex." He went catatonic.

"Oh, drat." Hild was afraid that he was going to decline the post. She was about to create a reality that was populated by cross dressing men for Happosai to exist in for all time when the little gnome gave his enthusiastic answer.

"YES!" His hands flew under his chin, his eyes went googlely and he uncontrollably drooled. "YES! YES! YES!"

"Yes?" Hild was taken back in surprise.

"YES!" Happosai shouted again in total glee.

"Y-you accept?" Hild was cautiously optimistic.

"What part of the word 'yes' don't you understand!" Happosai bounced in euphoria. "Bring on the ladies!"

Blinking in shock. She held out a contract. "Sign here."

Happosai pulled out his name stamper, ready to sign on the dotted line.

Hild zapped him on the arm with a needle-thin beam of magic and he reeled back in surprise. "Why'd you do that for?"

She smiled. "You must sign in blood. It makes the contract more binding."

"You could have warned me." He dipped his stamper on the wound to cover it with blood. He then pressed it hard on the contract to mark it with his ideogram. The parchment vanished the moment the imprint was made.

Hild held out her hand. It became dark as it was enveloped in shadow and black mist. "Hold still. This won't hurt a bit."

Quaking in anticipation, Happosai summoned a soul of ice technique to stay still as he was instructed. The very idea of an unlimited supply of recently worn panties was almost too much to bear. He trembled in delight, knowing that he had reached the pinnacle of his existence. He was finally getting his just reward for a properly lived life.

Hild touched his forehead, searing demonic marks on his face with unholy fire. Happosai screamed in agony. "AAAAAHHHHH! Why does it hurt! You said it wouldn't hurt." He shuddered in intense pain. An instant later, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he stood there, receiving his unholy gifts.

Hild shrugged. "It doesn't hurt me a bit." A few moments of intense pain and dark demonic shadows permeated the grand master of the 'Anything Goes School' before Hild released her touch. She stood back to admire her handiwork. He made a fine demon. Other than triangular marks on his cheeks and his forehead, he looked exactly the same as before. "Now, I'll send you back to Midgard and your first assignment. Welcome to the realm of Niflheim, Happosai, Demon First class of Perverted Sex!" She laughed, and laughed, and laughed...

* * *

Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and I won't make you Happosai's first assignment. 

Last edited on Sunday, June 24, 2007

* * *


	4. Phoenix rising

Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 4, Phoenix rising.

Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke.

By Rebecca Ann Heineman, with a tiny inspiration from "The Accidental Goddess" by Sinom Bre.

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me, sue me, kill me, sue me, kill me, sue me, kill me...

* * *

In the quiet of the early afternoon, the Tendo compound was calm, with only the sound of a distant bird breaking the silence. The noonday sun shone in its brilliance, warming the ground with an affection that was very much like the love in the heart of the woman working in the kitchen. Kasumi, hummed to herself as she washed a dish. She paused as she felt something wasn't right and looked up into the daytime sky. The tranquility of the yard was quickly broken as a boy sporting a thick mop of black hair, tied in a pig-tail, came screaming down to Earth. "AAAAAAHHHHH!" 

Waving his arms in unison in an unsuccessful attempt to fly, he hit the surface of the pond with a huge splash, sending a torrent of water temporarily up into the air and back down again. The koi occupying the sloshing body of water just accepted this as business as usual.

Kasumi, standing in the kitchen near the sink, looked up from the dishes she was washing to see a red-haired girl emerge from the koi pond dripping wet and angry. The Tendo put down the sparkling clean dish she was holding and took a towel from a rack, and wiped her hands dry with the white cloth. She reached over into the cupboard, extracted a heavily abused teakettle and filled it with water. She turned on a small heating pad and set the teakettle on it without a conscious thought about her actions. It was then she realized the possible error of her ways. She debated for a moment about turning off the burner due to current circumstances, but she decided that maybe today was the day things would change for the better.

She glided out of the kitchen and she slid open the door leading to the backyard, all the while, whistling a happy tune. She patiently held out a towel for the drenched girl to take. "Here you are, Ranko." She made sure to put some emphasis on the feminine version of Ranma's name.

Ranko sighed at the normality of the unusual chain of events. She reached out to take the towel, only to notice that she was still wearing handcuffs. With a flick of her wrists, she snapped the metal links binding the handcuffs together. Taking the offered towel, she vigorously rubbed herself with it to dry off. "Thanks Kasumi. Do you have any hot water?"

Kasumi stopped herself from answering that the kettle would be ready in a few minutes. She looked left and right to see if anyone was nearby to overhear the conversation. She leaned slightly forward and whispered to her brother-in-law to be. "You should stay in your girl form right now. We have company."

"We do?" Ranko blinked.

Nodoka Saotome, Ranma's mother, came out of the laundry room carrying a large basket filled with freshly washed clothes. She gave a motherly smile at her favorite Tendo. "Hello, Ranko. Nice to see you again."

"We do." Ranko moaned.

"Beg your pardon?" Nodoka asked. Ranko glanced at her wrists and decided that she didn't want to explain the handcuffs to her "aunt" just yet. She hid both of her hands behind her back, giving a cute girlish smile to draw her mother's attention to her face and not to her hands.

The Saotome matriarch paused for a moment and then glanced at the clock on the wall after realizing that Tendo tomboy was home before lunchtime on a school day. She asked to see if there was reason school was dismissed early. She had heard rumors of Furinkan's odd principal and hoped nothing newly strange had happened. "Did school let out early today?"

She scratched the back of her head nervously. "Heh... You could say that. But... I... Er... I think we're going to have more company in a minute or two." Kasumi took the cue and went back into the kitchen to prepare more tea. The incoming guests were going to be thirsty.

Ranma's mother raised an eyebrow in curiosity. "What's that on your wrist?" She pointed a finger at Ranko's hand, giving a approving grin. "I didn't know you were into that. Have you been with my son for long?" Visions of her manly boy, having his way with this beautiful girl filled her mind with thoughts of the eventual grandchildren.

Ranko froze, turned her eyes to the handcuff she had inadvertently exposed, then instantly swung her arm behind her back. "Uh... It's... Uh... All the guys... I mean.. Girls are wearing them." She gave a cute smile again. "It's the uh... latest fashion, yeah, that's it."

"You've never wanted to wear jewelry before." The elder mused, still thinking about how Ranko was Ranma's secret mistress. She was going to have a private talk with Ranko about the subject of being a more discreet lover to Ranma in the near future. "Have you changed your mind, Dear? We could go shopping for some earrings for you. I know this great jewelry store and they'll pierce your ears for free."

"Oh, man." Ranko groaned while still keeping her cute girl face on. "Sure, Mom, how about next month?" Or never, she silently wished.

Nodoka shuddered at hearing the word Mom. It reminded her just how much she missed her son, yet coming from this girl, it seemed to be the most natural way to be addressed. Her thoughts were in painful and joyful confusion as she loved this girl before her and hoped that very soon, she would be able to hold her son alongside Ranko as a family. For now, she had Ranko, and she wanted to get closer to her. She couldn't understand why, but this girl needed her and deep inside, she needed her as well. She remembered seeing a set of earrings that would look beautiful on Ranko and would match her vibrant red hair. That's it! A shopping expedition is just the thing to help get Ranko to stop being such a tomboy and be more like a traditional Japanese girl. "Why wait? We could go this evening."

Ranko needed an excuse and it had to be made now. Pierced ears weren't exactly manly. Seppuku contract or not, Ranma the guy, wasn't ever going to have pierced ears. "I've uh... Mmm... Got homework! Yeah, I gotta catch up with my homework."

"What subject? Maybe I can help you." She gave a look that couldn't be resisted. A happy shine of a mother wanting to help her child and Ranko desperately wanted to get closer to her mother.

The tiny girl replied with just a tinge of sadness. She wanted spend some time with her mother but couldn't because she had to keep up the deception that she was Ranko Tendo instead of Ranma Saotome, her son. "Sorry, M... Auntie Saotome, but I really need to study tonight."

Kasumi held back a chuckle.

"I'm proud of you, Ranko. A good education is necessary for you to be a good wife. Perhaps if you hurry, we could have some time later to get you those earrings." With a happy smile, she left to the laundry room.

It took a few moments for Ranko to stop being depressed about her mother's comment about being a good wife. Every time Mrs. Saotome said that, it cut her to the bone.

The elder Tendo sister spoke from the kitchen. "You should tell her."

Sighing, the red-head tiptoed away to a large rock in the backyard. She tapped her left handcuff on the stone to shatter the steel band into tiny pieces. She thought to herself about her ten year adventure with her dad. "Gee, Pop's special training sure came in handy. With the number of times he got busted..." She shattered the other handcuff with the same ease as the first. "I've had a lot more practice doing this than I ever needed in my life."

Kasumi smiled and blissfully ignored just why Ranko had arrived wearing handcuffs. "Are your friends going to be staying? How many shall I expect to stay for lunch?"

Brushing off the last fragments of metal from her hand, Ranko rubbed her wrists to loosen up the muscles after being constrained for so long. "Oh, seven, maybe ten... You know how it goes." She scratched the back of her head with more vigor and grinned.

"I'll have lunch ready for everyone in ten minutes." Kasumi went back to the kitchen to gather the ingredients for a typical crowd of Ranko's fans. Nodoka came back from the laundry. "We're expecting company."

"Of course, here, let me help." She took some plates from the cupboard to help set the table, thinking about how many grandchildren that three or four mistresses would produce.

Ranko groaned quietly. "Mom's here. That's just great." In the distance, she could hear the fiance brigade approach. "Oh man, I've gotta hide."

Shampoo's bike sailed through the air, clearing the wall, and landed next to the dojo. She dropped the kick stand and happily bounced toward the object of her overzealous affection. "Airen! Shampoo come to take you home!"

An instant later, Kodachi flipped over the wall and landed on her toes. She followed Shampoo's charge with her gaze expecting her love to be where the Amazon was running to. She happily called out to her imaginary lover. "Ranma darling!" She saw the red head instead of her boyfriend-to-be and turned red with rage. She pointed a gymnastic pin at the hussy. "YOU! What have you done with my beloved!"

Ukyou stood on the lip of the wall, snickering at Kodachi's statement. "You're such a ditz. Hey sugar! You can hide out with me!" She waved at her childhood friend.

Ranko ran toward the center of the backyard to gain some distance from her mother before one of the girls blew her cover. Kodachi ignored the girl for now and went to the back door to greet the elder.

Nodoka welcomed the new arrival with open arms. She made mental notes that the leotard clad girl had excellent child bearing hips. "Young lady, Kodachi's your name, isn't it? Have you seen Ranma?"

Going into her prim and proper mode that only a Kuno was capable of, she returned the greeting with a respectful bow. "Why yes, mother. I followed him oof..." Shampoo impaled a bonbori into Kodachi's belly.

"Crazy girl no harm Airen." She pressed her attack by taking aim at Kodachi's skull. A place that most people would agree would cause the least amount of permanent damage.

Kodachi backflipped to avoid the incoming blow. "You hussy, you want Ranma darling for yourself."

Ukyou jumped into the fray, gently pushing Mrs. Saotome aside to keep her out of harms away. She pulled her giant baker's peel from her back and brought it forward. She growled at the other two girls. "Ranchan is mine and mine alone!"

The three girls wasted no time exchanging blows and formed a dust cloud with weapons protruding from the melee.

"Ranma darling is under my protection!"

"Shampoo protect Airen!"

"Back off you two! Ranchan is mine!"

"Only a Kuno can bring him justice!"

"Airen is Amazon ambassador!"

"I'm his cute fiancee, you Jackasses!"

Nodoka held her hands together in awe. "My son is so manly. He has an entire harem fighting over him."

Ranko watched her mother's expression while Nodoka swooned with delight, then held her head down, shedding a tear in sadness. "Yeah, right." She stood forlorn at the edge of one of the koi ponds, looking at her reflection in the surface of the still water. Cupping a breast with her hand, she had all the proof she needed to fear her mother. Fear that she couldn't live up to her mother's over imagined idea of the perfect man-among-men. She took a deep breath and looked hard at the image on the pond, letting sadness take hold. "This is so manly? Yeah, right. I hate this curse."

Akane stood next to the compound wall feeling sorry for herself. She had watched the entire battle with the other girls at first with morbid glee, then softened as she watched her fiance mope by the pond. Noticing Ranko's mood, she regretted how she had treated her and felt sympathy about her plight. She whispered. "Oh Ranma, I'm sorry." She dropped her mallet, releasing the anger that came with it and she slid to the ground. "I... I... I didn't mean to..." The young Tendo wished she could see her mother again. Her mother would know what to say to make things better. She always did.

Ranko sat on the large rock, not caring about the carnage occurring only five meters away, feeling even sorrier for herself than before. Her own mother wanted a son that Ranko believed she could never become, at least, not as long as she was burdened with her curse. She felt utterly alone.

Akane shared the feeling. She was silent and lonely. In a courtyard full of people, she too was alone.

* * *

"Happosai, rise!" Hild lifted her arm above her head in a grand gesture to welcome her latest minion. "Time for you to get to work." 

Happosai stirred, raising his hand to his forehead. "Why'd you have to hit me so hard?"

Looking over her handiwork in the form of dark marks on Happosai's face, she doubled checked for any mistakes in the transformation. Finding none, she declared in her mind that the descent into demonhood was a complete success. "I didn't hit you as you claim. I created your connection to my realm and it required an update your spiritual essence. Four out of five demons recommend the procedure and would gladly do it again. I take it that you're the one out of five. Pity."

"Hey!" Happosai jumped up into a stance, hands at the ready for punching or... Well... You know... Touching? "You said it wouldn't hurt! What other promises do you plan on breaking?"

"Hmm... What do you know about the promise system?"

"I know enough that if you make a promise, you've got to fulfill it."

Hild laughed at the remark. "That's for those goody two shoes upstairs. Demons find promises more like a guideline than a rule. However..." She produced a small dagger in her hand. "A contract signed in blood is much more binding."

Happosai took a step back to stay out of slashing range. "I ain't signing anything!"

"You already did." She pointed her dagger to the ground, bringing to the lecher's attention a parchment with microscopic writing in the language of the gods on it. Happosai tried to read the document, squinting his eyes at the tiny dots and dashes that made up the ancient alphabet. The moment he read the title, since it was in a large font in Japanese and really the only thing that was legible, the scroll vanished in a puff of smoke. "Don't mind the fine print, I've got the best lawyers, in fact, all of the lawyers that ever lived working on the text. It's pretty iron clad."

Happosai crossed his arms in defiance. "I don't remember signing it."

Smiling in smug satisfaction, the white haired dark queen lovingly gazed at the razor sharp blade of the dagger. "If I got a yen for every time someone said that to me..." There was a small amount of blood still remaining on the cold metal giving away the fact that the act of contract consummation had already transpired. "But of course, you were unconscious at the time. After all, you did say yes to my initial proposal."

The balding old man was furious at having been so close to a pretty girl and not being awake to enjoy it. He raised his battle aura in preparation for a fight. "That's not fair!"

"You're in hell, darling! Of course it's not fair. Nothing's fair here. Now, about your first assignment..."

The excitement level in the old pervert's body began a change. He felt a tingling sensation as his spine shifted. "Just what did you do to me?" Happosai felt bulges coming out of his back as his battle aura grew in strength. He reached behind and grabbed one of the tail-like appendages and yanked it forward. Holding the pink snake like fleshy thing, he shouted at his new boss his distaste for whatever it was. "What the heck is this?"

The demon queen held a hand over her mouth to control her laughter. "You mean you don't know? Tentacles are standard equipment for any lust demon."

With a straight face from years of not really knowing what he was supposed to do with a woman, he answered. "What use are these things?"

"You're kidding, right?"

Happosai coiled up the tentacle and tossed it like a rope. "Hmmm... I can find some uses for this. I think." He pulled the fleshy rope back and used it like a set of nunchaku. "It will take a little while for me to perfect a technique with this."

Hild's eyes twitched. "You're kidding, RIGHT?"

The pervert twirled one of his many tentacles over his head like a lasso. "Okay, this can come in handy. Although I think it will hurt if I tie a loop at the end if it." He gently tied the end into a hoop. "Hmm... I guess not, although it sure feels funny when I rub it."

Hild's eyes were really twitching. "Oh, c'mon, you know what you're supposed to do with that. You're been molesting women for over three hundred years for crying out loud."

"Women?" The demonic gnome's eyes gleamed. "Yes, I know what I'm supposed to do with this." He focused his attention on Hild for a moment and a pair of vines sprang out and hit their marks. They landed on the ground on the left and right sides of Hild, snaked upward under her dress and yanked her panties off. With a fluid motion perfected from Anything Goes martial arts, the panties were in Happosai's clenched fist.

He danced around, retracting his new body parts into his back. "Yes! I've freed you my silky darling!"

Hild shot a fireball at the ecstatic sex demon, hurling him into a stone cave wall. She waved her hand, teleporting her underwear back to where it belonged. "Here's a standing order for you. Hands off my merchandise!"

Sliding down from the wall, Happosai groaned. "P-P-pretty lady..."

A scroll bounced off his head from Hild's perfect aim. "Read your assignment and perform your duties. I'll be evaluating your performance after your job's completion. You'll find the chant you need to return to the mortal realm inscribed within."

Grasping the scroll, the old freak used it like a crutch to get back up. "Hey, what do I get out of this?"

"Perhaps you need a reminder." Instantly, the cave of fire and brimstone became a women's bathhouse filled with elderly women, very elderly. Happosai became a statue in terror. "Now, you see, I can make things difficult for you."

An instant later, they were back inside the cave of pain and fire. "Read your assignment. It explains everything. Besides, a deal's a deal." Hild vanished in a anti-flash of sheer darkness.

Happosai smiled. He opened his hand, finding Hild's bra in it. "Don't worry my darling, you're safe now."

* * *

A kilometer away from the Tendo compound, sat a bridge over a canal. Ranma sat on the embankment of the canal under the bridge gathering his thoughts. Earlier, he had made a quick stop at a gas station restroom to get the hot water needed to regain his birth form. He looked around for any sign of the three fiancees he had left behind as they all huddled around his mother, nursing the wounds they inflicted on each other, and discussing how manly Ranma was. They were too busy trying to win Nodoka's blessing for their union with him, that they forgot he was there. That last fact, suited him just fine since it allowed him to sneak away since Nodoka was about to take the women out to the shopping mall. 

He watched the afternoon sun move slowly behind the drifting clouds, passing the time away. A gentle breeze blew some dry leaves along the ground, giving a scraping sound that interrupted Ranma's meditation.

"Why?" He looked at the sky, expecting no answer to his repeated prayers. "Do I have to turn into a girl?" He laid back on the concrete with his arms behind his head like a pillow. "Why can't I find a cure?"

Akane sat in the shadows, watching over her fiance. Desperately wanting to be near him, but not wanting to start another fight. Waves of empathy emerged from the young Tendo as she felt compassion for Ranma's plight.

"Oh ancestors, what should I do?" Ranma sighed. "Give me a sign."

A clap of thunder was heard from the heavens and ten seconds of rain drenched the red head. "Okay. It's official. You hate me."

* * *

"Special delivery for a Mr..." The truck driver glanced down at his manifest to refresh his memory. "Soun Tendo." 

Kasumi gawked at the contents of the flatbed truck that had just loudly lumbered in front of the Tendo compound. "Are you sure that my father ordered all of this? We haven't had much damage to the dojo recently."

Tossing his cigarette off to the side, much to Kasumi's distaste, the rough man began to get impatient. "Hey lady, I just deliver the goods. Is Mr. Tendo here to sign for this or not? I haven't got all day."

"I'll get him." Kasumi bowed, not taking her eyes off the massive amount of wood that awaited her father. She stepped inside and called out to her parent. "Father! There's a delivery here for you."

Instantly, a jovial Mr. Tendo appeared in the doorway, wearing a brown martial arts robe and a giant smile and having not a care in the world. "Excellent! Please, please bring this out back."

"Sign here and I'll get my boys to unload everything."

Soun scanned the inventory list for any errors. "I see you had enough gasoline cans to fill my order."

"Mind my asking Sir, but are you planning on having a block party? We usually don't get orders for two hundred kilos of charcoal briquettes."

"Why yes, it is a party!" He danced a silly jig. "Everyone is invited."

Kasumi held her hands to her mouth in surprise. "Father, I don't really think that this is proper."

Holding his daughter's shoulders, Soun beamed with happiness and joy. "The Master deserves nothing less! We must give him a proper send off!"

Moments later, a giant pile of firewood, bags of charcoal, numerous gasoline cans, and coils of rope were stacked in the backyard. Genma and Soun held their hands at their hips, gazing at the bounty before them.

Genma thrust out his chest. "I never thought I'd see the day."

"Same here Saotome, this is a great day to be alive. It's like ten years ago."

Genma sulked a bit. "Of course, he came back you know."

Slapping the bald man on the back, Soun cheered, "but he's not coming back this time! Your son has done the world a great service."

"Indeed. I knew my boy was going to prove himself to be a man." Perhaps now, his wife would tear up the contract? He secretly hoped.

Soun beamed proudly. "Yes, he has proven himself to be worthy of marrying my daughter."

Giving a devilish grin, Mr. Saotome leered at his friend. "Are you pondering, what I'm pondering? Eh, Tendo?"

Deep in thought, the elder Tendo nodded. "I think so Saotome. But where're we going to get enough marshmallows for all of the guests in this short notice?"

"Good idea! Didn't think of that." Now that he did, his stomach growled for some food. "But I was referring to my son and your daughter's little problem."

"I'll call the minister at once!"

The two danced a jig together exclaiming in unison. "The houses will be joined! The master is gone! This is the happiest day of our lives!"

Kasumi watched the spectacle from afar. "Father, don't you think you're overreacting?"

Soun and Genma held one hand in the air and spun in a circle in a celebratory dance. Her father replied. "I don't think we're doing enough! Kasumi, order marshmallows and hot dogs! We're having a roast!"

Kasumi shook her head in displeasure. "Oh, father."

* * *

Cologne entered the morgue holding a stack of papers. Her face held back a look of utter joy while showing to the world an image of solemn thought. Even though she wanted to dance and sing, a part of her was disappointed that her arch-rival was no more. That part was sliced out, hacked up and shoved into a blender. She had work to do. Looking up from her vantage point, about a half meter below the edge of the reception desk, she asked while preventing herself from whooping out in glee. "I've come to claim the body of Happosai." 

An attendant who was eating his dinner, put down his chopsticks, stood up and looked around. "Who said that?"

"Down here." Groaned Cologne.

"Oh. sorry, I didn't see you." He bowed to greet the elder.

The old woman sighed.

"Happosai, Happosai, ah, he was the guy they brought in this afternoon. Do you have the release forms?"

"Of course." She handed him the proper paperwork.

"Let's see. Oh, yeah, hmm... You're pretty quick. They usually wait a few days before they come and pick 'em up. Follow me." He got up, buzzed the door and waved for Cologne to enter. He walked down a sterile corridor, devoid of any wall hangings or posters except for the sign that said, '5 days without a mislabeled body. Keep up the good work!' The number five was crossed out and a number one was taped over it.

He stopped at a steel double door and went into a cold room. The chamber had a steel autopsy table and a wall filled with large drawers. He stopped at the wall.

The tall man checked his clipboard and noted at the proper container. "Here he is, body number three hundred five, Happosai. No family or clan name." He pulled out the drawer to expose the contents within. "There's not much left. Let's see, the body was brought in five hours ago, coroner already signed off the guy, cause of death was... Wow. Heart attack?" He looked at the body again, noting that it was less than a meter tall, burned to a crisp and smashed flat. He turned back to the clipboard and read the notes. "Oh, the Doc's got the burns and the impact traumas listed, but death by heart attack?"

The amazon pulled out a ward from her stack and placed it on Happosai's forehead. She jumped back in anticipation to some sort of response.

The man looked at Cologne as if she had gone nuts. "Lady, he's dead. He ain't getting up."

She answered cryptically. "Don't be too sure about that."

"You're weirding me out." He handed her a pen. "Sign here and he's all yours."

She signed the release form. "Here." She handed back the clipboard.

"So, how do you want him? Paper or plastic?" He held out two bags, one was a simple black plastic trash bag, the other was brown paper sack that had written on it, 'For burial at sea, call 1-555-DEEPSIX'.

The Amazon asked dryly. "What's with the advertisement?"

With a stern look, he answered. "Budget cuts."

"I see. I'll take plastic."

He pulled a small brush from his belt and swept the crispy Happosai parts into the plastic bag. "Normally, we use the oven in the back for this, but since he's already been cremated, I don't see a need. Do you already have an urn?"

"That's not necessary." Cologne smiled as she took the bag and quickly encased it with dozens of wards. She used some wards to create a box which she put the plastic bag inside. Then, she covered the box with wards. The wards received a layer of wards, also covered in wards which they too, were ward covered. Satisfied, she wrapped the package in ward covered wrapping paper and tied it with a ward. She placed the box on a ward that was placed on the floor. "Please stand back." She gently pushed the man away, took his brush and encased it in a ward. She tossed it into the open body drawer. "I have to cleanse this of evil."

The attendant groaned. "Not again. That's the third time this year."

She covered the drawer with wards and poured holy water on everything. In seconds, the water steamed and the wards burst into flame. Howls of the damned echoed in the room for a few moments. She repeated the process three times until the howling stopped.

"This room... Is clean." Cologne smiled as she bounced away, tenderly carrying her precious cargo to send it to another plane of existence, far from this realm.

"Woah, that was cool!" The attendant whispered in awe. "I've got to have her come over more often. She's does it a lot better that than Juuban shrine maiden. Now, how am I getting out of this?" He spoke finally as he realized he was mummified in dozens of wards.

* * *

"This is all your fault." Ranma glared at his father then looked out of his bedroom window at the growing crowd below. Word has spread quickly about Happosai's death and it seemed like most of Nerima had come to see it for themselves. He slid the curtain closed. "Because of you, I can't go and see Mom." 

Genma was dressed in a freshly laundered gi and was clean shaven and had a hint of cologne. "It will be all right son. Today, you'll be seeing her as a man."

"That's what you said last time. Instead, we had to hide from her as Ranko and Mr. Panda. What's different this time, eh, Pops?"

"Why this!" He held out a copy of a newspaper. Happosai's death was near the back page. "You're a hero!"

Ranma snatched the paper and read the article. He threw the paper back at his father. "It says that I'm under suspicion for murder, how does that make me a hero?"

"Your mother knows the truth about the master. She never approved of my study under him."

"You actually told her that you hung out with that freak?" Ranma replied in shock. "How did you stay married?"

"She was attracted to my manly charms." He made a martial arts pose.

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'm going down there and tell her the truth about me. It's time." He then walked firmly toward the door.

Genma blocked the exit. "Now, don't be too hasty, these things need to be handled delicately."

Ranma delicately threw his father out the window and proceeded out the door and down the stairs.

Mrs. Saotome was serving a guest an hors d'oeuvre when a splash was heard behind her. She turned around and exclaimed. "Why Mr. Panda, were you hiding there all along?"

Mr. Panda held up a sign that read, 'Hello there, somebody else's wife.'

While Nodoka was reaching out to help Mr. Panda out of the koi pond. Ranma walked into the kitchen and paused. There she was, his mother, and he was a guy. Kasumi looked up from her chopping block and gasped in anticipation. She smiled and nodded in approval.

Nabiki, standing next to Kasumi simply smirked and waited patiently for the impending disaster.

Akane, who was in the living room blinked her eyes in horror. All Mrs. Saotome had to do was turn around to see her son. Will he be killed? She prayed that his mother would see him for the man he was.

Ranma took a step forward, out the back door, only a few meters away from her. He raised his hand and called out. "Mom!"

Could it be? Thought Nodoka as she instantly spun around and saw her favorite Tendo right in front of her. "Where's Ranma?"

"Yeah, cross dresser, where is he?" Pantyhose Taro laughed as he dropped his now empty cup. "Oh, that's right, he's too busy putting on make-up."

"Why you!" Ranko jumped on Pantyhose and the two grappled on the ground.

"Are you?" Mrs. Soatome asked Pantyhose. "Are you my son?"

"No way!" Ranko did a flip and landed near her mother. "That's Pantyhose Taro"

Pantyhose slugged Ranko in the head. "Stop calliing me that."

"That's your name." She slugged him back.

"Shut up! So what if it is!"

Nodoka frowned in disappointment. "I must have imagined I heard him." She took Ranko by the hand. "You're not properly dressed." She pulled a petrified Ranko back into the house.

"Oh my! And he was so close." Kasumi shook her head in disapproval. Outside in the back yard, a party was in full swing at the Tendo Dojo with over fifty guests in attendance. At one table sat the Gambling King, Tsubasa Kurenai, Azusa Shiratori and Mikado Sanzenin. Another table had the Kuno family and Miss Hinako and several students from Furinkan High School. Gosenkugi lurked in the shadows, taking pictures of the festivities and Akane Tendo.

Soun stood proud at the party in front of him. He eyed each and every table to ensure that all the guests were having a grand time. Kasumi, holding a tray of snacks tapped her father's shoulder. "Father, I know those people are from school and those over there are friends of Ranma." She pointed to a long table with a mixed bag of assorted nuts seated there. "Who are those people?"

Soun nodded with conviction. "Insurance."

In a corner, feeling depressed, sat Ranko in a kimono and Mr. Panda. Nodoka was seated next to them with a sullen expression. "I do hope I can see my son tonight. Oh, where could he be?"

Ranko whispered to her panda, anger evident in her face. "Yeah pops. Where is he anyways?"

A sign appeared over the panda's head. "Remember the pact boy!"

Ranko grabbed the sign and smashed it over her panda's head. "Grrrr..."

"Now Ranko!" Mrs. Saotome scolded. "That's not how a lady treats her pet."

Another sign appeared next to the bear. "Listen to your aunt."

Ranko crossed her arms on the table and laid her head down on them in sadness, keeping eyes locked on her mother. Mrs. Saotome craned her head, looking into the crowd, trying to find her husband and son, not knowing that they were sitting next to her. A tear welled in Ranko's eye as she kept her thoughts to herself. "Aw, mom. I'm right here."

A knock was heard at the compound gates, letting everyone know that even more guests had arrived. Kasumi answered to greet a stern Cologne who looked like she was on a mission to save the world. The elder wordlessly took her cargo and laid it atop the massive pile of firewood. She then layered wards on the box and at strategic points on the funeral pyre.

Soun stood in front of the guests, holding a small cup of sake in preparation for a toast. He tapped his glass to get everyone's attention. "Everyone! It is time." He coughed to clear his throat.

"We're here to honor... Hee hee... The memory of a great man. Hee hee..." He coughed again to stop chuckling. "Today, we are not here in mourning, hee hee, but in celebration for the founding Grandmaster of the Anything Goes school of Martial Arts has finally earned a well deserved rest." He bit his lip to keep from shouting in glee. Taking a deep breath, Soun continued. "We now commit the master's body back to where it came. We shall not be saddened by his death. We shall cherish his life and his teachings."

Ranko muttered. "You mean his lessons on panty raids?"

Nodoka placed a finger on her lips and held her niece tight. "Shh.. Ranko."

Holding a microphone high in the air, he announced his message like a he was introducing a pro wrestler. "And after the master's body is no more, we shall further celebrate with the wedding of my daughter to her fiance, Ranma Saotome." He pointed to the minister in a corner, standing behind a wedding altar under a canopy of flowers.

The crowd's reaction was mixed. Most cheered at the idea that Ranma and Akane were finally going to get married while the fiancee squad raised their battle auras. Gosenkugi pulled out a voodoo doll that had black hair in a pig-tail and a red shirt and he shoved a long needle through it and into his own hand. Mousse clasped his hands in joy. "Shampoo will marry me now!"

Ryoga wanted to shoot off a Shi-Shi-Hokodon at Ranma, but he couldn't with her sitting next to her mother.

Tatewaki Kuno placed his hand on the hilt of his sword. "Akane will not wed that foul sorcerer. I forbid it."

Ranko and Akane sank in the respective chairs wanting to escape immediately while Nodoka clasped her hands in expectant joy. "My son is coming tonight! I can finally see him. Oh, I just know that he'll be manly."

Ranko buried her head even deeper into the wooden surface of the table. She turn her head to face her father. "This was your idea, wasn't it?"

The panda was playing with a tire. "Growf?"

She grabbed the panda by the scruff of the neck, ready to smack him into next week. "Admit it!"

"Growf?"

**"RANKO!"** Nodoka voiced with an air of motherly command. "You put down your pet and sit here. That's no way for a lady to act."

"Yes, Auntie." She released her death grip, but not before she had applied enough pressure to send her furry father to dreamland. She brushed her kimono clean of panda fur and took her place by her 'aunt'.

Soun nodded to Cologne. The Amazon had finished placing the final ward on the pyre and gave the all clear signal. Mr. Tendo gave a thumbs up to the Shinto priest who then lit a torch in preparation to ignite the pyre.

Shampoo stole a glance at her currently female husband. She plotted the quickest course she'd have to take after she grabbed her husband to escape with her. "Shampoo take Ranma tonight for sure."

Ukyou held a mirror up to help her apply makeup on her face. "I'm going to look my best when I marry my Ranchan." She tapped her bag full of gun powder laced okonomiyaki, gathering her courage to do what she had to do to ensure her future happiness.

Kodachi smirked. Under her funeral kimono, she wore a black rose wedding gown. "I'm ready for you my Ranma darling. Come out, come out, wherever you are?"

Akane slid under the table. She crawled away to find her middle sister, hoping against all hope that Nabiki could come up with a plan that didn't cost a fortune to get her out of this mess.

A catholic priest chanted last rites. A jewish rabbi spoke from the Torah. A Shinto priest spoke some prayers. A man in an Indian robe chanted, "Hari Krishna, Hari Krishna." A Mullah bowed in respect for the dead. A witch incanted a spell for the deceased. Cologne threw some anti-evil powder into the air. Soun was taking no chances this time around. If there truly was a god, whomever speaks to him will let him know that the Master is on his way to wherever souls go when they die.

Minutes passed, the holy men and women finished their prayers and incantations. They all gave the signal to the priest holding the torch.

With a solemnness reserved for sad occasions like this, the Shinto priest touched the wood pile to send the body to nonexistence. The fire quickly grew, fueled by the liters of gasoline that had completely soaked the wood, sending a fireball dozens of meters into the air. The crowd was pushed back from the intense heat coming from the tall flames.

* * *

Elsewhere, in Niflheim, a perverted demon finally opened his scroll. He read a few passages. "She wants me to do that? You've got to be kidding. Hmm, and now let's get to the good part." He skimmed the scroll down a few paragraphs and found one with the subject line of 'passage to Midgard'. "Let's see. It says." He squinted his eyes to read the strange words written down in fine print. "Ah, here it is. I'm supposed to say..."

* * *

Mr. Panda awoke to the sound of flames. He pulled out a stick filled with hot dogs and marshmallows. He sat next to Cologne, Soun and Pantyhose Taro who were all watching the fire with happiness. 

"Finally." Taro was relieved that his nightmare was at an end. "With him gone, I can finally ditch this stupid name. Goodbye, old man. Goodbye Pantyhose, hello Handsome Taro!"

Soun had tears flowing from his eyes in happiness. "Yes, the Master is finally at peace, forever."

"Growf."

Cologne stood still, watching the pyre intently, leaving nothing to chance. She knew that somehow the old man had made deals with Death and it seemed that his death came too suddenly and too easy to be real.

The fire raised in intensity as a bright orange circle formed in the center. The ball of flame solidified and became human shaped. It took a step closer to the four people and tripped. The man made of fire rolled on the ground leaving burn marks behind on the concrete. It came to a halt in the center of the crowd of people.

"Fire!" Ranko stepped forward with a bucket of water and splashed the burning mass. "There, that got it." She ran off to refill the bucket from the pond.

Cologne recognized the ki signature instantly. **"Oh, no! NO! NO!"** She produced a ward and threw it at the smoldering object. Why did she have to be right? "Begone, foul demon!"

Happosai shook off the black soot that covered him. "Who're you calling a demon?" The ward landed squarely on his forehead and burst into flame, setting him on fire again. "Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Ranko jumped back to the center, saw that the object had re-ignited and dumped the bucket on it again. "I'll get more..." She shuddered as she saw what she had just done.

"Ranma!" Happosai exclaimed in glee. "Glad to see that you've got some compassion for me! How about you let me rest in your bosom?"

Nodoka perked up. "Ranma?"

"Begone, foul beast! I send you to your doom!" Cologne threw another ward at the shriveled old man.

Taking his pipe and deflecting the ward without any effort, he leered at Soun and Mr. Panda. "Hello boys, I'm BACK!"

* * *

Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and I won't sneak into your house while you're out and cut paper dolls out of all of your blankets. 

Last edited on Sunday, July 1, 2007

* * *


	5. Who ya gonna call?

Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 5, Who ya gonna call?

Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke. Other characters appearing in this chapter are owned by their respective property holders.

By Rebecca Ann Heineman, with a tiny inspiration from "The Accidental Goddess" by Sinom Bre.

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or keep me away from the premiere episode of "Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon".

* * *

The street lights lazily moved by the windows of the unmarked police car as it drove down the narrow streets of the Nerima ward of Tokyo. The full moon shown brightly, adding to the eerie illumination of the neon glow of the city lights. Detective Miyashi scribbled another mark in his notepad as he slid another piece of the puzzle into place. He bit the eraser at the end of his pencil in thought, shaking his head slowly in frustration. "This case doesn't add up." 

Officer Narita gently applied the brakes, slowing the car as they came to a red light. A single pedestrian crossed in front of the car as they waited for the light to change. He gave out a soft laugh. "It's Nerima, nothing adds up around here. Rumors have it that they've got people who can change into animals. Can you believe it?"

"What sort of an attitude is that?" Asked the detective as he pulled out the rubber end of the pencil from between his lips. "What's it with you people? It was nothing like this in Yokohama. We took capital crimes seriously. People changing into animals, hah! Next you'll be telling me that people can fall four floors without getting hurt."

Smirking in response, the driver turned only his eyes to his passenger then back to the road. "Well, Yokohama doesn't have the assorted wackos like here." The light changed and Narita gently nudged the car forward, taking them closer to their destination.

"Wackos... Heh, I can see what's going on. The Shiratori's and the Kuno's probably bought the main police force off, but I'm not someone you can bribe. I'll get to the bottom of this."

"Bribe?" The driver laughed out loud. "I wish it was something like that. I could afford to live closer instead of taking the train into town every day."

"Beg pardon?" Turning his head to his subordinate, he continued. "I've got a dead body, massive property damage, a trucking company who's looking for someone to sue and no one seems to care anything about it." Recalling the celebration the office ladies held in the back room of the police station, it made the detective even more curious about the circumstances surrounding the old man's death. "It seems that everyone wanted to sweep this case under the rug."

"Sometimes, it's best to just not ask questions. Ah, here we are." The driver slowed the car to a stop about a block away from the Tendo's home. The street was jammed with parked cars, rickshaws and a beat up white hearse with a red police light on the center of its roof. He put the car in park, hit the emergency break and pulled the keys out then turned to his superior. "Look, it's not really my place to say, but I gotta warn you about that house."

"About what?" He pointed to the home ahead, an orange flickering light came from the other side of the compound wall. "Are they the Japanese Mafia?"

"I wish." Narita sighed. "At least then I know where I stood. You sure you want to question the kid now?"

Snapping his notebook shut, the newly transferred detective from Yokohama unbuckled his seat belt and exited the vehicle. He walked toward the compound with purpose and conviction, worthy of an officer of the law.

Narita shook his head while carefully watching the detective walk off with morbid curiosity. "They always have to learn the hard way."

Miyashi was almost at the front gate when he heard a woman scream from behind the compound wall, followed by shouts of terror. Years of police training kicked in as he drew his pistol and flattened himself against the stone wall. He took several quick steps until he reached the wooden gate and took a position just behind the entryway. He breathed deeply and was ready for anything that these criminals could throw at him. Keeping the safety of his pistol on to prevent an accidental discharge, he turned toward the open gate, aimed his weapon and...

He was trampled by dozens of people running for their very lives.

* * *

"Oh my!" Was all Kasumi could say before her eyes rolled up into her head and she fainted dead away at the sight of the little old man completely covered in fire. Akane rushed in and caught her older sister before she hit the floor. 

"Master!" Cried Soun as he prostrated himself before the little smoldering pervert. Hiding his sorrow that the Master didn't stay dead by burying his face into the soft dirt, the elder Tendo begged for forgiveness. "I'm so happy to see that you're safe and sound."

"Now that's how you're supposed to treat your Master, Tendo." The master of disaster snarled. "Don't think I don't know what you've been up to." Happosai leered at the rapidly thinning crowd, looking for anything to catch his lecherous eye. He turned his attention to the panda who was also bowing down before him. "Hey there, Saotome! Whatcha gotta to say for yourself?"

The panda raised a sign while maintaining the position of utter groveling. "Welcome back, Master!" He flipped the sign over, "I'm Mr. Panda, somebody else is Saotome."

"Now, that's the way I like it, my pupils." Happosai smiled over his two best students. They were the best because they were his only students and they knew exactly how to show proper respect to the Grand Master of the Anything Goes School of martial arts.

Cologne twirled her cane in defense of an expected incoming attack. She threw a handful of wards at her former boyfriend from over three hundred years ago to prove her theory of why he was still alive. "You! Back to the pit from whence you came, foul creature!"

Tentacles popped out of the little man's back and snatched the wards from the air. They all burst into flame on contact with the fleshy ropes leaving sparks and puffs of smoke in their wake. He reeled his vines back in pain. "Hey, that smarts."

Cologne gasped in fright. "No! Not him! May the ancestors protect us!" She shouted to the table at the far side of the yard. "What are you waiting for? He's a demon! We've got to send him back to hell!"

A girl with huge braided hoops in her hair jumped into the air, somersaulted and shouted a transformation phrase. "I hold no enmity against those coerced into evil... But to those vile beings who toy with the hearts and souls of men..." She added, "or women." For an instant, her clothes vanished, she twirled with her arms outstretched and landed wearing a red silk Chinese style long dress with a ying-yang symbol on her chest. "We, since the time of Ancient Gods, have been your destroyers. Now, the 108th generation Devil Hunter, Yohko, is here! Beware!" A long two handed sword appeared out of nowhere and she stood in a stance, ready to deliver a killing blow on the foul pervert. "Hiyaa!" She screamed as she brought the blade down to bear.

"P-pretty lady..." Happosai drooled at the moment he got a free show from the magical transformation. His survival instinct kicked in a moment before he was about to perform long division in a physical way, courtesy of a magical devil killing sword. He jumped and latched onto the two great mounds that called his name from behind the black and white symbol on the girl's chest. "Hotcha!"

Yohko's hair became undone, popping out of its twin braids and it flowed down her back in a beautiful style blowing in the breeze. The girl gave out a primeval scream as the creature from hell touched her in just the wrong way. "**ARGH!** Get it off me!" She bashed the little freak with the hilt of her blade repeatedly, but it had no effect on him. Since that tactic didn't work, she reversed her sword and jammed the pointed end between herself and the gnome in an attempt to pry the little monster off. She wiggled her blade, twisting and turning it to get some sort of leverage, but the little man was attached to her breasts too tight and wouldn't let go.

Azusa, Yohko's sidekick and Devil Hunter in training sat dumbfounded at the speed at which Happosai could move. "Yohko! I'll save you!" She began her transformation into a devil hunter. In a moment. she was wearing her devil hunter uniform and summoned her spear in her hand.

"Woo hoo! Babes!" Happosai lost interest in his current victim and bounded over to the newly transformed Devil Hunter Azusa. "Glad to see me?" He disappeared under the hem of her dress and crawled all over her body. The girl stood frozen as she was being violated, her spear falling out of her lifeless hand.

Ranko screamed out. "Get away from her you leach!" She pulled open her kimono and instantly Happosai appeared and shoved his head between her breasts. Ranko punched the little man into the ground, but he bounced off the soft earth and flew off.

Nodoka's flushed red in embarrasement. "Ranko! That's no way for a lady to fight!"

Kodachi agreed, "A true lady wouldn't resort to such tactics."

"I don't see you doin' nothing 'bout him!" Ranko shouted back as she closed up her kimono.

Her mother spoke in a disapproving tone. "That wasn't very ladylike at all, you should let the others handle this."

"Indeed, you need to keep out of this you harlot." The gymnast reached into her kimono and extracted a vial. She was about to pop open the cork when a tiny spatula flew by and shattered the glass. A cloud of green gas erupted and knocked Kodachi out cold.

"You owe me one, Ran-chan." Ukyou cried out then pulled out her large spatula. "Now what's he doing?"

Happosai landed on Ukyou's head and looked down at his victim's face. "You're such a prettier lady with your hair down. Now if you'd put your clothes down, I could..."

Gritting her teeth in anger, Yohko swung her sword at the top of Ukyou's head. The weapon made a loud clang as the flat of the blade made contact with her forehead instead of Happosai, who was nowhere to be seen. The girl fell backwards, out cold.

"Where did he go?" Yohko looked up, down and all around, searching for her target. Not once did she notice the freak sitting at the tip of her sword. The old man jumped down and once again put the squeeze on her breasts. "Woo hoo!"

"Hold still! I'll stake him!" Buffy Summers, a young blond haired American girl, who had arrived from California, was told by her mentor Giles that this demon was no different from the countless ones she had dispatched as her role as a Slayer. She was going to have a talk with him once she went back to her hotel. She grabbed a wooden stake from her purse and jumped in front of Yohko as the Devil Hunter was rapidly loosing energy from Happosai's life force drain technique. A technique that required lots of hands on experience, touching, feeling... Well... You get the idea.

Buffy picked just the right spot on the freak's back to impale him and raised her arm up to send the wooden dagger straight into his heart. She thrust her arm down and connected, striking the little pervert square in the spine.

Except, Buffy's hand was empty at the time of the blow.

"Looking for this?" Smiled the little freak as a tentacle, holding the stake, flew overhead. "Wanna do a threesome?" He lashed out two tentacles and groped the tall girl just under her breasts. He fondled her backside in a way that the Slayer would have nightmares for weeks. "That's the way I like it!"

Yohko couldn't take the drain anymore and fell backwards onto the ground, her sword clanging as it hit the earth. Buffy swung her arms around to knock the groping appendages away as the demon fell with Yohko downward. The Slayer did a backflip to get some distance and some time to think of a new plan.

Standing at the wedding altar, wondering if he was going to get paid for his services tonight, Reverend Guido Sarducci adjusted his wide brimmed black hat and opened his bible to the proper page. "Ah... Yeah... This looks good. For a 2 for 1 special on Domino's Pizza, call 1-800... Wait a minute..." He tossed aside the bookmark. "Oh, yeah, that's better... Do you Ranma Saotome, take Akane Tendo..." He looked around the growing fracas. "Is Ranma Saotome here?"

Ranko was in an attack stance waiting for an opening to send Happosai into la-la land. She skittered too and fro avoiding the tentacles that went in random directions. "I knew he wasn't dead. When did that little freak go to Jusenkyo?" She paused for a moment. "What spring did he fall into?"

"You got me." Answered Akane, who stood by Ranko's side. She wielded a very large mallet. "Don't you know?"

"It's not like they listed them all. If anybody had that, it'd be pops. He's the idiot who got the brochure in the first place."

"Honestly." Akane sighed.

"I've seen his tentacles and they don't look the ones from the Spring of Drowned Octopus, though he sure uses them like it." Ranko looked around, "Hey, where is Pantyhose anyway?"

Pantyhose Taro appeared and punched Ranko in the head, "Stop calling me that!" He turned around in outrage. "How dare you lie to me Tendo!" He grabbed the collar of Soun's shirt. "You said he was dead!"

Soun cried like a little girl.

Happosai landed on Taro's head. "Hey there Pantyhose, ol' boy! I was dead for a while, you should try it some time." He struck the five way cursed man with his pipe and sent him into a solid wall. "And your name's still Pantyhose Taro!"

Buffy blinked. "Pantyhose Taro? What kind of a name is that?" The girl shrieked as the demon appeared out of nowhere and right up against her bosom. "Why aren't you wearing pantyhose my little lady? And this bra doesn't suit you. Try this one instead." He held in one hand a simple white cotton bra which the blond girl recognized as her own, the other was a black racy number that a prostitute would find embarrassing.

In less than a second, Buffy figured out she was braless and there was a draft under her skirt. She grew angry and made a fist. "Why you little animal! Give those back!"

Happosai dodged her blows with little effort. "Nya, nya, can't catch me!" He was flattened with a mallet strike.

Akane pulled her mallet out of the ground and extracted the bra and panties from Happosai's limp hand. "Here you go Miss, you can go to the bathroom to change."

Buffy grabbed her underwear in a huff. She stared down at the man imbedded into the crater on the ground. "I hope it's dead. Just what is that thing? Nevermind." She pulled out another stake from her purse. "Time to check out." She tried to stab the freak, but he moved aside while still unconscious. She plunged the stake down again, only for the foul beast to dodge without waking. "How in the world? Hold still!" She followed the rolling freak, trying to send it back to hell and it avoided every one of her strikes with ease.

Buffy took a moment to realize she was still holding her own underwear in her hands. Blushing, she ran off to put them back on.

Azusa finally recoved and jumped to intercept the rolling pervert, holding her spear over her head. "YAA!" She sliced the ground barely missing the creature. She jumped into the air, flipped and stabbed her blade downward using all of her body weight to ensure that the spear would impale the demon, killing it.

The plan would have worked had she been fighting a normal demon. The instant her blade was only ten centimeters from the freak's skull, he tapped the tip of the blade with his pipe with enough force to deflect it, leaving the poor girl in an intercept course to his groping hand.

Grope he did. Squeezing Azusa's breasts to suck out her energy and derive perverted pleasure for Happosai's enjoyment, the new demon revived instantly. "Sweeto!"

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Azusa screamed as she dropped her spear. "Mommy!" She curled up into a ball, weeping. "Make it stop!"

"I haven't started yet!" The little pervert was drooling while he was fondling the Demon Hunter in training. His tentacles flailed about in random directions, seeking out any female in touching distance.

Ranko found her opening and charged. She leapt into the air with her feet outstretched to land on the little man. Her feet made contact and he was shoved into the ground. Ranko wasted no time with a follow up kick that sent the old man into the backyard wall. Ranko bounced off of a rock near the koi pond and propelled herself to punch the little man into the sky. From above, a group of pink tentacles wrapped themselves around her arm and flung her into the sky instead. Happosai laughed as he emerged from the hole in the wall. "It seems these things have their uses after all." He retracted his extra appendages and clasped his hands together in glee.

Cologne stood there, holding a ward in front of her. "How did this happen?"

The pervert kept rubbing his hands together in mischief. "Maybe if you weren't such a prune and were more like a pretty lady, I'd tell you."

The elder felt strange, as her years melted away and her height changed. Her hair went from a silver white and became a deep dark purple. Her long robe hung on her like a miniskirt and her skin became smooth like silk.

Shampoo dropped her bonbori in awe. "Great-Grandmother?"

Cologne blinked. She blinked again. She looked down at herself and saw that her body had become that of herself when she was only sixteen years old. "How?"

Happosai stood there, drooling. "P-p-pretty lady..."

The elder's clothes changed into a silk cheogsam that barely went a few centimeters below her crotch. Her nails grew and were colored a deep purple to match her hair. Makeup adorned her face and sparkling earrings appeared. "Shampoo, we must leave, now."

Shampoo nodded. A second later, both women disappeared over the wall. Mousse ran after them but ran straight into the rear of the Tendo home.

As Happosai stood dumbfounded, his tongue sticking out dripping drool, a group of four men got up from the far table. All of them were wearing grey jumpsuits and had strange scientfic equipment strapped to their backs. In holsters, they each had a large object that somewhat resembled a nozzle from a gasoline pump. This nozzle was attached to a thick hose that connected to their backpacks. An insignia adorned the men's shoulder. The patch was that of a white cartoon ghost inside of a red circle with a red slash though it.

"Okay boys, amateur hour is over, let's show them how it's done." Dr. Peter Venkman, the so called leader of the group put down his sandwich and stood up with his of paranormal investigators and eliminators. "This is a job for..."

The four cried out in unison, "The Ghostbusters!"

Happosai looked perplexed at the four strangely uniformed men. "The who?"

Blinking, Dr. Venkman retorted to the shriveled old man. "Wadda ya mean the who? We're big in New York city!"

Dr. Ray Stantz armed his weapon. Flicking a switch, a deep electrical sound came from within his backpack. "Charge 'em up!"

Winston Zeddemore, Dr. Egon Spengler and Peter turned on their units. "Ready!"

Ray smiled. "Roast 'im!"

The four men fired their proton beams right were Happosai stood. The freak jumped into the air and somersaulted over the Ghostbusters and landed on a small statue behind them.

Nabiki and Kasumi peeked out of the newly created hole in the kitchen. They looked at each other, then looked at the hole as it continued though the living room and out the front of the house. Nabiki muttered, "I'm making sure that's coming out of their fee."

Kasumi picked up a board and a hammer and nails. "Now?"

Nabiki replied. "Later."

Peter Venkman groaned. "Why do we always get the nimble ones?"

Ray nodded. "At least he's not a dog."

Peter stared back at his friend.

Ray gulped. "At least he's not a dog right now. I mean, it was your girlfriend that was a dog. Uh... I'm shutting up now."

Peter rolled his eyes.

Winston had had enough. "Look you, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way. What will it be?" He tossed a ghost trap into the center of the yard.

Happosai laughed and held his stomach as he mocked the men. "That's funny! And how do you suppose you're going to do that? Your little pop guns are nothing compared to the power of the Anything Goes School."

Egon started typing into a little Palm Pilot. "Anything Goes School? I can't find a reference in the Tobin's Spirit Guide."

"Idiot! It's only the ultimate form of martial arts ever conceived of in the history of mankind! I should know, I created it!" Happosai was miffed that there was anyone who didn't tremble in fear of the Anything Goes style.

Dr. Ray Stantz stood tall and pointed an accusatory finger at the demon. "You! By the power vested in me, by the City and State of New York."

Winston interrupted, "Tokyo, we're in Tokyo."

"And Tokyo too," he added. "I demand that you return to your realm of existence or the nearest convenient parallel dimension."

Thinking about the only creatures that might even stand a chance against his unholy powers, Happosai ventured a guess. "So... Are you a god?"

"Well, not..." The other three jumped on Ray to keep him from answering the question.

Winston held Ray's mouth covered tight and whispered into his ear, "You remember the CORRECT answer, right?"

Nodding that he understood, the other men released the good doctor and he unruffled his grey jumpsuit. He took two steps toward the little smug gnome and proclaimed. "YES! I'm a god."

The little demon rubbed his chin in deep thought, "I don't see any marks on his face, his aura is unremarkable and he does seem to be cocky enough to be one of those goody-goodies." He thought of his new place in the universe and knew deep down that gods and goddesses were his mortal enemies. Enemies were to be dealt with in the strictest sense. "Then... DIE!!"

"Huh?" Was all the Ghostbusters could say before a barrage of firecrackers exploded all around them. The men jumped or were thrown in every direction among popping explosions and debris. After a half of minute of solid destruction, the bombing ceased.

Egon sat up shaking his head to remove some dirt. "There isn't a right answer to the question, is there?"

Ray replied. "I guess not."

Bursting out from under a mound of dirt, Peter angrily yelled to his teammates. "Okay, that guy's sushi!"

The other three shout. "Right!"

Happosai watched the quartet with great amusement. He hadn't had this much fun ever since he arrived at the Tendo home. The four men created a line and marched in unison They pulled out their weapons and aimed them at him.

Ray asked. "Ready?"

Peter asked. "Should we cross the streams?"

Egon halted his march. He pulled out a notepad and started writing something, then typed a few commands into his Palm Pilot.

Peter asked again. "Should we cross the streams?"

Egon was reading a passage in Tobin's Spirit guide. He cross referenced what he found in his Palm Pilot, then wrote something in his notebook.

Growing impatient, Peter asked again. "Should we cross the streams or not?"

Egon was surrounded by a mound of notepad paper as he continued to cross reference his findings with his growing pile of books. "Uh... Maybe."

"Maybe! Is that all you've got to say!?"

Ray quietly whispered, "Uh, guys?"

Anger got the better of Peter. "Maybe? Do we cross the streams or just fry the little guy and call it a night?"

Winston added. "Guys?"

Egon held five notebooks, three tomes, a crucifix and a sandwich and feverishly typed infomation into his hand held computer. "I'm getting close."

"Ahh!" Screamed Ray as he fired his weapon, destroying a large boulder that had been thrown at them. Pebbles rained down in a shower of stone.

Peter raised his arm to deflect this incoming storm. "What the heck? Why didn't you tell me he was going to do that?"

Winston fired his weapon at another incoming stone. "I hate to break up your little chat, but I'm kinda busy.

Peter fired his weapon and the latest incoming object. Tatewaki Kuno was instantly fried and covered in soot and flew off into the heavens. "I hope Japanese health plans are good. He's going to need it."

Egon tossed his notebook aside and flipped a coin. After it landed, he called out, "Don't cross the streams."

Peter gave a smug look. "Now we're talking." He fired at the latest object that came toward them and a flaming panda bear landed in the koi pond.

Egon raised an eyebrow in worry. "You do know those are an endangered species."

"Not as endangered as him." He fired directly at Happosai who stepped to the left to dodge the beam.

Ray fired to the far left and the two men moved their beams together. Happosai slowly moved directly between the beams. Inside the house, Nabiki, Akane and Kasumi hit the floor as their home was being cut in half.

"Foolish mortals." Happosai jumped into the air as the two beams came within centimeters of each other. The moment he started his jump, Winston and Egon fired their weapons directly above him and he went straight into the beams. For a moment, he flashed a bright yellow and burst into flames.

Ray shouted. "Now!"

Winston pressed a button on his gun and the trap in the yard sprung open. Instantly, Happosai was sucked in and the trap sealed shut.

The men ceased firing their weapons and gave each other thumbs up. Winston whooped in happiness, "It's Miller time!"

Buffy emerged from the house. "I see you got rid of that... thing. I'm out of here."

Yohko and Azusa nodded in agreement. "If you need us, here's my number." Yohko handed Soun a business card. The three girls went home.

Peter holstered his gun. "That wasn't so bad, now was it?"

The second story of the Tendo home imploded, sending a cloud of debris into the air. Soun wept. "My house!"

Akane grabbed her sisters and jumped out of the kitchen window, just before the entire house came crashing down. Soun wept louder.

Nodoka went over to Soun to comfort him, "At least the dojo is fine."

With that, the dojo fell over and shattered into a pile of splinters.

Mrs. Saotome felt sorry for Mr. Tendo, she tried to figure out something else she could say to cheer him up. "Your wall seems to have only a little damage."

The wall surrounding the compound collapsed in a pile of dust.

"Your garden..."

The tree by the koi pond burst into flame, then fell over into a pile of ashes.

She was about to say something to the fact that Soun still had his health, but decided to keep quiet.

Nabiki crossed her arms and shook her head in disgust. "Daddy, just where did you find these people? And who's going to pay to replace my things?"

Speaking while crying was a talent mastered by few, Soun was a Grandmaster. "There was a paranormal convention in town. I took it as a sign."

"You mean, our going out of business sign? Daddy, I could have done this with a few liters of gasoline and a match for a lot cheaper." Nabiki turned to stare at their wrecked home. "Where are we going to be sleeping now?"

Kasumi picked up the dojo sign from the remains of the dojo. She dusted it and placed it lovingly on top of the pile of ruined wood. "That's better."

Nodoka smiled. "I know, you can stay at my home. It's a bit small, but I think we can manage."

Guido held his bible aloft. "I've got a wedding to perform." Or I won't get paid, he silently added. "Now, if you don't mind, where is Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo?"

Soun changed from the sobbing man to the proud father of the bride. "She's here, the blushing bride."

Akane's face was red, but it wasn't because she was blushing. "Daddy!"

"Now, is Ranma the bride's name or the groom?"

Nabiki uttered sarcastically, "It depends on the time of day."

Nodoka turned her head in every direction, hoping to finally see her son. "Ranma, is he here?"

"Yeah, I'm here. Who wants to know?" Ranko jumped over the crumpled remains of the compound's walls. Her kimono was dirty and torn and covered with pieces of twigs and leaves.

Seeing the red-head, Reverend Sarducci asked Soun. "Okay, so the bride is here. Where's Mr. Akane Tendo?"

Akane turned a bright blue. "That's Miss Akane Tendo, you idiot!"

Guido blinked. Looked at Ranko, then looked at Akane, then back to Ranko. "Okay, I didn't know that this was a lesbian wedding. I'll change the pronouns in the vows for you. Dear thee beloved, we are gathered here..."

Nodoka craned her neck to see the man she had been hoping to see for over a decade. "Where's my son? Ranko, have you seen him."

"No, Auntie. I haven't." She hated lying to her mother. Upon hearing the opening verse from the minister, Ranko froze in shock. "Oh, no you don't! Pops! Where are you?"

"Pops?" Wondered Nodoka.

Akane shouted. "I'm not marrying that pervert!"

"Yeah, who'd want to marry a sexless macho tomboy like you!"

Nodoka placed her hand to her lips. "Ranko! How can you say that to your cousin?" She looked at Akane in anger. "How dare you speak about my son that way."

Akane instantly calmed down. "I'm sorry, Auntie. It's that he makes me so mad."

Nodoka gave a look of Mother Knows Best. "Boys will be boys, they do have to do manly things."

Ranko sighed and kept her thoughts to herself. Yeah, Mom, men have to peek at women in the bathroom though peepholes. You really have a strange way of measuring a man. "Yeah, Auntie, boys will be boys."

"Ahem." Coughed Dr. Peter Venkman. He was holding a ghost trap that was reeking a foul smelling white smoke. "I hate to interrupt you fine people, but we're still on the clock. We need you to settle the bill."

Soun grew angry and created a image of his head that was four meters high and a flaming tongue. "You don't expect me to pay for what you've done to my home!"

"Okay! Okay!" Peter reeled back in fear. "I'll just let him go and we'll be on our way."

Soun dropped the demon head and pulled out his checkbook. "How much did you say it was to take him off my property, for good?" He asked the last part with a bit more emphasis.

Egon pulled out a calculator, crunched some numbers and handed Soun the bill.

He took the paper and his eyes bugged out. He wrote down the amount and handed the men a check, all the while, holding back tears. "It was for a good cause."

Nabiki peeked over her father's shoulder and read the amount of the bill. She too, bugged her eyes out. "My college tuition!" It was her turn to fall backwards into an unconcious heap.

"Well, we'll be on our way." The men gave each other high fives and walked off the property.

Winston raised his hands in the air. "I love this job."

The men opened the gate and walked toward their car. Only the archway and the gate under it remained standing. Once Peter slammed the door shut, it also fell into a pile of brick powder and sawdust.

Standing in front of a collapsed archway, Guido read some more from the bible, with a few pronoun alterations. "Now, do you, Ranma Saotome, take Akane Tendo to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Ukyou Kuonji woke up in a flash. There was a wedding in progress and Ranma Honey's name was mentioned. The chef ran over to the minister as he was standing there waiting for an answer.

Ukyou took the man aside, "There's been a change in plans, the name's Kuonji, Ukyou Kuonji."

The Reverend shrugged, as long as someone got married, he got paid. "I'll have to charge you extra."

Ukyou shoved a wad of bills into the Reverend's pocket. Guido smiled and asked the chef. "Now, which one are you getting married to?"

"Ranma Saotome," she answered softly.

The Reverend spoke the line again, "Now, do you, Ranma Saotome, take Ukyou Kuonji to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Ukyou had waited years to hear that line uttered, now how to get Ran-chan to say yes? She hadn't thought of that.

Akane wasn't paying attention to the minister. "At least they can't arrest you for Happosai's death. He sure looked alive to me."

"Yeah," Ranko nodded. "I'm glad that problem's gone."

Guido was watching the red-head and heard her say, 'Yeah' and nod her head. "Okay then. Do you, Ukyou Kuonji, take Ranma Saotome to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Wife? Who cares. "I do!" She shouted out in glee.

"I now pronounce you, Husband and Wife? Is that right? Or should I say, Wife and Wife?"

"It doesn't matter!" Ukyou grabbed Ranko in a fierce hug. "You're coming home with me!"

Akane coughed. "What?"

Soun glared at the minister. "What's going on? Oh, did you marry my daughter?"

"Yes, I did." He wrote something on a piece of paper. "And here's the document to prove it."

Ukyou, realizing that her plans could go up in smoke, she had to think fast. "I'll get rid of that for you. You didn't really want to marry Akane, right?"

Ranko stared daggers at Akane. "You're right about that."

Akane turned her back on Ranko. "I couldn't agree more."

"Wait!" Soun cried out, but it was too late, Ukyou grabbed the marriage certificate and the Reverend, and she leapt high into the night sky. "I'll come back for you Ran-chan!"

"What was that all about?" Asked a puzzled Ranko.

"Whatever." Akane huffed as she stormed off.

Soun went back into weeping man mode again. "The houses will never be joined!"

Nabiki sat up. "There's not much left to join, unless you've got a construction crew."

Nodoka took Akane by the shoulder. "I'm sorry that Ranma couldn't make it to the wedding, perhaps he was delayed. Maybe he'll be here tomorrow and you can wed then."

Akane shot a glance at Ranko. She returned the favor by sticking out her tongue.

Yeah, maybe I'll see you tomorrow, Mom, as the real me. Reflected a sullen Ranko.

"Let's go to my home, and get a good night's sleep, shall we?" Beamed a happy Nodoka. She kept up a brave face at all the devestation around them. She had no idea what Soun was going to do about his ruined home, but perhaps her husband may be able to help. She reached into her purse and took out an old piece of paper. On it, she wrote a note in lovely handwriting, "Dear Ranma, please come to my home. I miss you. Your Mother." Below, she wrote down her phone number and address and stuck the note on a freestanding support beam. "I hope he comes."

Together, the Saotome and Tendo families, walked across town to Mrs. Saotome's home.

A few minutes after they left, a panda bear emerged from the koi pond. He growled in a daze and wondered where everyone went. He saw the note and pulled out a sign that read, "She left without me?"

"Excuse me?" Came a voice from behind the panda. "Can you tell me where the Tendo dojo is. I could have sworn it was here." A boy wearing a yellow bandana and a large red umbrella stood there in confusion.

The panda sighed.

* * *

Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and won't invite the Ghostbusters to your next party. 

Last edited on Sunday, July 1, 2007

* * *


	6. Divine Interest

Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 6, Divine interest.

Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke. Other characters appearing in this chapter are owned by their respective property holders.

By Rebecca Ann Heineman, with a tiny inspiration from "The Accidental Goddess" by Sinom Bre.

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or put me though the rinse cycle.

* * *

Urd reached over and plucked a tissue out of the dispenser and gently held the soft paper under her eyes. A tear welled up and slowly moved from her lower eyelid and toward her nose. She sniffed and wiped away the tear as she leaned forward in sorrow. "Why? Why did that have to happen?" She asked to a room that was devoid of human or divine life. Banpei, the household robot, sat nearby, holding the box of tissues and blinked the lights in his eyes in response. 

The goddess crumpled up the soft moist paper into a ball and crushed it in her fist. "The scoundrel! How could he!" She stood up and threw it across the room at the image of a very handsome man on her television set. "You cad! She loves you!"

Banpei flashed his red eyes and reached over to pick up the used tissue. The robot was just over a meter tall, white and wore a very wide brimmed black hat that looked like it was a cross between a trashcan lid and a Chinese straw hat. He wheeled over to a wastebasket and tossed away the garbage, then he scurried back to his place next to Urd. From where he was located, she could easily reach the box of tissues he held. He was always present to lend a hand whenever Urd watched her soap opera.

"NOOO!!!" Cried Urd as the ending credits scrolled up on the screen, her eyes sparked angrily and she pointed her finger at the TV. A lightning bolt shot out, shorting out the television set and sending a puff of black smoke to fill the room with a foul stench of burning plastic. Coughing, the goddess floated out of her bedroom and into the hall.

"Don't expect me to fix that." Skuld, Urd's baby sister and resident tinkerer, said as she peeked out of her workshop down the hall. "And I'm not lending you mine so you'd better fix it yourself."

The little robot followed Urd out into the hall which attracted the attention of his creator. "Hey, Banpei! Get in here!"

Banpei put the box of tissues on a low table and raced into Skuld's workshop. The little goddess happily produced some high tech looking objects and smiled. "I've got some upgrades for you."

He stopped and backed away from his master. Skuld crossed her arms in dismay. "Don't you go anywhere. I need you here, c'mon I haven't got all day."

The robot slowly inched forward, wondering if the installation of these upgrades would hurt, explode or increase his chances for a date with Sigil, Skuld's female robot. Judging the odds of total meltdown were in low millions, he moved cautiously forward for whatever Skuld had in mind for him.

Urd had to think of something. Her next soap opera was coming on in thirty minutes and she couldn't watch it with a fried TV. She picked up the remote and pressed the 'on' button. As expected, nothing happened except that the smoke cleared a little. She randomly pressed buttons until another spark came from the TV startling the Goddess of the Past. She tossed the remote to the side and sat down in thought. How can I bum off a TV from Skuld? As she sat there, an odd feeling came over her. A very uncomfortable feeling, one she hadn't felt for a long time and had hoped to never feel again. She focused to find the source and came up empty. The feeling vanished, yet its effects were unforgettable, regrettably "No..." She whispered. "He can't be in Midgard, can he?"

She stretched her arms out and flew out of the room, down the hall and landed at the doorway of the kitchen. She peeked inside and found her sister Belldandy, the Norn Goddess of the Present, wearing a brown floor length housewife's dress and apron. She was putting the last of the dishes away into the cupboard. "Hey, Bell, did you feel that?"

Belldandy turned to her sister with a great big smile. "Of course I did. It's a wonderful night and the moon is happy."

That wasn't what Urd was expecting for an answer. "Uh... Okay. If you say so sis. But seriously, did you feel anything weird right now?"

"No, I hadn't felt this way since Hild came to visit." She hummed a happy tune as she wiped the countertop.

"Are you sure?" Urd was taken slightly aback. Whenever Hild came to visit, bad things and mischief always followed, so Belldandy saying anything nice about those visits was a bit pecular. Then again, Belldandy had a knack for finding good in everything, even impending doom and destruction.

"Oh, my." Bell pulled up her apron to examine a small stain. "I'll have to cheer it up."

Urd backed away from the kitchen, wondering if her sister's happy condition bordered on a mental disorder. She paced down the hallway back toward her room when her baby sister popped out of nowhere and ran into Urd.

"Hey, watch where you're going, big sister." Skuld had a frightened look on her face as she got back from from her place on the floor. "Did you feel that too?" She asked with worry and a little fear.

"You felt it? What did you feel?" Urd asked in a scared tone.

"I... I... I really don't want to talk about that." The small goddess shivered. "It felt wrong, really wrong."

Oh, no, not her too. Urd did her best to hide her concern. If he's on Midgard then it could only mean that Hild had already gotten to him and... And... And... And... Urd's brain rebooted after being stuck for a moment. If that mortal had gained the powers she thought he did, then Skuld was going to need protection. Urd ventured a probing question, hoping against all hope that she was wrong in her assumption about what happened in Niflhiem. "Like someone touched you?"

Skuld didn't answer, but the shocked look in her eyes did that for her.

"You felt like someone touched you, where you didn't want to be touched?"

"How did you know?" She was aghast. Skuld stepped back, eyes on the verge of tears. "It was horrible."

Urd nodded knowingly. "It was evil. Pure evil."

"I've felt evil before." Skuld shook her head, not comprehending what recently happened. " But nothing like this." She gave herself a hug. "It's like I was... Was..."

"You're safe." Urd kneeled down a little to match her smaller sister's height.

"Was... Was... Was like someone was looking at me. In a bad way."

It's him. There was no doubt anymore. Urd nodded and cursed herself for being right. "We gotta talk to Bell."

"I don't like this."

"Me neither." Urd stepped toward the kitchen, leaving a confused and terrified Skuld behind. She stopped and put out a reassuring hand. "It's going to be okay."

She looked up and deep into Urd's eyes, searching for comfort in her big sister. "You sure, promise?"

Urd knew full well that was a promise she couldn't keep. "Let's talk to Bell. Maybe she knows something."

Skuld frowned at Urd's avoidance to her question. But Bell might know, she was the one everyone turned to for advice and this time was no different. The two goddesses went back to the kitchen and as soon they entered the doorway, they froze. There, in front of them was their sister, dressed in a skin tight red leotard with yellow trim and thigh high vinyl boots. Her outfit had vinyl strips trailing like a set of tails and some adorned her shoulders. It was the uniform she wore when she was possessed by a familiar courtesy of a manifestation of Hild. The two goddesses stared at their sister, then for a moment, at each other. Skuld shrugged and Urd commented. "Things are really wrong now."

Belldandy placed a small kitchen cleaning towel next to the stovetop and smiled at her kitchen guests."Hello there, how are you two this evening?" She went to the a drawer and extracted another towel. This one, she wetted in the sink and began to clean the breakfast table all the while humming a happy tune.

Both Urd and Skuld stared at their sister for a minute. After watching Belldandy clean the table spotless, Urd spoke, "Uh, Bell?"

Belldandy placed her hands together and smiled back. "Yes?"

"Are you okay?" She asked timidly. If Belldandy was possessed by a demonic force, they were going to need to call in for backup. Taking a step backward, she pulled her sister out of the doorway and pushed her against the wall. She whispered to her baby sister, urgency evident on her face, "Call Peorth, Rind, Chrono, Ere, anyone, just get them here."

"Why? If this is a system bug, I can take care of it myself. I'm a Yggdrasil debugger you know." For effect, she held her debugging hammer and gave it a playful practice swing. "If a bug's here, It's mine."

"Put that away." Urd commanded. "This is not a system bug. This is far, far worse. And I have no idea what's going to happen. So, get on the phone and call 'em."

Skuld nodded and pulled out a celestial cell phone. She was dialing the number to heaven when Urd kicked her sister down the hall. "Can you try to do that without her seeing you?"

"Seeing what?" She came out the kitchen and stepped closer to her sister. As she walked, her hips swayed in a fashion that would make supermodels green with envy. "Are you inviting guests over?" She placed a finger to her chin in thought. "Should I plan to make a late dinner? When will they arrive?"

"Are you sure you're okay? You're not acting like yourself." Urd was worried. Belldandy was acting the same as she always did except for the way she carried her body and her attire. "You seem, different."

"Different?" Belldandy batted her eyes in a seductive manner. "How so?"

"Hmm..." Thought the goddess of love. Despite her mannerisms and attire, she's acting exactly like she usually does. Urd couldn't sense a trace of evil coming from Belldandy and nothing else around the house seemed out of place. Maybe this can work to my advantage? If she's like this and Keiichi doesn't wimp out, perhaps my sister will finally get over it and sleep with him. Urd closed her eyes and scratched the back of her head and gave a small laugh. "Nah, nothing's wrong. I'm going back to my room and get some beauty sleep."

"Oh, that's nice. Good night, sister." Belldandy's heels clicked as she strutted down the hall to the laundry room.

"I've got to find out whatever did that to her. I could sure use that potion on some stuffy mortals on my love list." Urd remember there was this specific match up that's been giving her trouble for the last year and something like this may be just what the Doctor ordered to get them to admit their feelings for each other. At the least, it would make their lives a bit more interesting until it wore off. She spent a moment chuckling at different scenarios a love potion of this type could create when she froze as she realized that the house was going to be invaded by goddesses any moment now. That won't do! It will ruin this chance for Keiichi and Belldandy to finally be a married couple. She flew into the air and straight into Skuld's room. Whizzing by her sister, she snatched her the phone right out of her hand and put the handset up to her face.

Skuld's face turned red with anger. "Hey, that's mine!"

Waving her sister off, Urd stammered out some hastily prepared excuses. "Yeah, Peorth, it's me. What do you mean, who are you? It's me, Urd. This was all a big misinderstanding so you don't need to come on down."

Skuld grew wide eyed and shook her head vigorously.

Ignoring her sister, she continued. "Don't worry, everything's under control. Yeah, it's no... Level one? Really?"

Skuld growled at her older sister. "I was going to tell you, but you took my phone." She pulled down her lower eyelid with her finger and stuck out her tongue.

The white haired goddess' forehead developed a bead of sweat in panic. "When? How? Who? What? Why? You're not serious are you?" Her face went ashen. "No, not..." She made an angry look. "Don't you blame this on me! I had a deal with Mr. Bone Daddy and he broke it." She slammed the phone shut and crushed it in her hand. "Why that lying little..."

The little goddess hated being kept out of the loop. She wore a scowl on her face to show her displeasure at the situation. "What's really going on and who's Happosai?"

Urd trembled at the sound of that unholy word. "Don't say that name again. If you say it three times, he might show up and trust me, you don't want to meet him."

Skuld's eyebrow raised in surprise. "Who or what is he? Was he the one who changed Belldandy?" She pulled out her mallet again. "If he hurt my sister..."

"Oh, I hope not. Because that would mean..." Instantly, Urd flew out the window and the sounds of hammering, sawing, drilling and heavy machinery being driven was heard. A minute later, Urd flew back in. "There, we're safe now."

"Safe from what? What did you do?" Skuld went over to her bedroom window and threw open the shades. The window was completely boarded up and wallpapered with demonic repelling wards. She turned around and gave a hateful stare to her sister. Without a word, she marched over to Urd's room and slid open the drapes only to find that the window there was also boarded up and decorated with wards. Room by room, Skuld found each and every window was in the same condition until she reached the front door. Opening it, she was greeted by solid wood covered with numerous crosses, stars, christmas ornaments and other holy symbols.

"I can explain." Urd sheepishly replied to the implied question.

"Well?" Skuld tapped her toe expectantly, "I'm waiting."

"Santa Claus is coming to town?"

Skuld walked away, down the hall and toward her workshop.

Incredulously, Urd watched her sister leave without starting a fight or doing something rash. What a refreshing change of pace, she wondered. "Wow." Then she heard a ticking sound. Looking down, she saw why. "Oh, wow." The Skuld bomb exploded, sending Urd through the boarded up front doorway and into the front lawn.

Urd lay there for a moment as wards and pieces of wood fell from the sky and onto her. A few minutes passed before the elder goddess had the strength to move. She sat up only to stare down the barrel of a very large gun. Banpei gave a friendly beep. His round eight ball like face had an evil grin drawn on it courtesy of a black marking pen. "What the...?"

"I can protect the temple as good as you." Skuld announced proudly. "Behold my newest upgrade! It's a multi-phasic particle beam, guaranteed to fry anything or anybody to tries to break in here."

"What made you build that? I didn't know that the Martians were coming." First Urd was wondering why Skuld made such a weapon, but then she was pleasantly surprised. This gun might be big enough to slow down that pervert before he's able to get past the Valkyrie's defenses. Maybe it's enough to discorporate him before his doublet could be promoted to a goddess. That way, that little freak would be out of their hair forever. Urd clasped her hands in joy. "You're a genius."

Skuld tossed her hair. "Naturally. After the Angel Eater, I needed something to make sure Noble Scarlet's safe. With this little toy, no Angel Eater stands a chance."

"How does it work?" She regretted asking the instant the words left her lips.

Fifteen minutes later, Urd was sleeping on the ground as Skuld kept drawing diagrams and equations on a white board she had brought out to demonstrate her theories. Once Urd started snoring, Skuld grew annoyed. "Banpei, lock on."

The little robot turned his head in all directions, stopped, and shrugged.

She pointed at her sleeping sister. "There's your target, Set to power level..." She went over the calculations in her head. "Two hundred."

Banpei's power cell hummed loudly as it channeled energy into the gun. He shot out a red beam from his forehead and it landed on Urd's midsection. The barrel of the gun tracked the red dot and locked on the target.

Satisfied that revenge was a dish best served with large caliber weapons, she weighed whether or not her sister should be conscious for the full effect. Sleep? Wake? Sleep? Smiling, she playfully called out to her sleeping sister.."Oh, big sister?"

Urd snored loudly.

**"Wake up!"** She screamed. That worked. Urd got up in a flash. She gazed at her baby sister with half lidded eyes.

"Maybe you'll pay attention to this." She raised her arm up and brought it down in the direction of her half-awake sister. "Banpei, fire!"

A bright ball of energy collected in the base of the barrel and a moment later, the barrel exploded, sending Banpei into the heavens and leaving a toasted Skuld standing in the bottom of a newly dug crater.

Urd sat there not really understanding why her sister decided to blow herself up. "You've got my attention now."

Skuld bombs rained down all around Urd. She barely had time to float a few meters before they all exploded everywhere.

Keiichi stood at the doorway of the temple, watching the fireworks display. "Will you two knock it off? I've got to get up early tomorrow." He yawned and went back to his bedroom, stopping at Belldandy's doorway. "Goodnight, Belldandy."

From the shadows, Belldandy slinked out, made a seductive pose and replied in her normal tone of voice. "Good night, Keiichi. Pleasant dreams." She then slid back into her room and under the covers of her bed, wearing nothing but a racy negligee. Her boyfriend, blissfully unaware of Belldandy's attire, yawned again and proceeded to his bedroom to get a good night's sleep.

Stepping out of the kitchen from the end of the hall, a black cat with a star on its forehead watched the area intently. She sat and kept silent vigil at Belldandy's door.

* * *

A beat up white hearse, swerved to avoid a slow moving car and barrelled down the highway as if the world's survival depended on it getting to its destination on time. Ray Stantz was driving and he lowered the window with impatience. He placed his hand just outside to force the night air into his face. He stopped holding his breath and breathed in the fresh air as he changed back from blue to a more natural color. "Man, that thing stinks." 

Winston Zeddemore held his nose as a small puff of white smoke coming from the ghost trap in the back of the car hit him in the face. "What the heck did they feed that thing? Geez, didn't that thing ever hear of taking a shower?"

Egon looked up from his notes. "The Japanese value cleanliness. They bath almost religiously. It's possible that this demon isn't from the Japanese islands but from another pantheon."

Peter Venkman was taking in the sights as they went down the main highway toward Tokyo Bay. Once in a while he squirmed in his seat as Ray changed lanes. Cars driving on the left side of the road made Peter unconfortable. Egon's boring lectures were more uncomfortable. "And this is important, why?"

Dr. Egon Spengler opened up one of his notebooks and held out a sketch he made of Happosai. "Notice the demonic marks on his face. That's a typical trait of the Norse Pantheon. It's the tentacles I'm trying to figure out. There's no reference to them in Norse Mythology."

Peter looked out his car window again, not paying attention to Egon's lecture. "You do that. All I care about is getting back to New York and cashing this guy's check before he puts a stop payment on it."

Winston reverently put his hands together in prayer. "Amen to the almighty dollar."

"Actually, we were paid in yen." Egon volunteered.

"Yen?" Winston was a bit concerned. "We're still rich right? I mean. they're Japanese dollars, right?"

"Actually, a yen's worth about a penny."

Peter pulled out the check and read the amount without the last two digits. "A penny each? Ah, man, and here I thought I was going to get a penthouse with this."

Ray's shoulder's drooped. "Well, there went my idea of going to Tunguska to gather samples."

"There goes my raise." Winston moaned. "Do we have enough to pay me just a little bit more? Eleven-five a year sucks you know."

Egon took the check from Peter's hands. "That's just enough to cover all of our legal bills. You guys forget that being sued nearly put us out of business."

"Great, so we're still broke." Peter lifts his hands up in despair. "We just can't get a break can we?"

Ray turned his head to something that caught his attention in the rear view mirror. "Oh, that's all we need."

Peter exhaled in dismay. What started as a great evening was rapidly going downhill. "What?"

"We're got company." A siren wailed from behind their vehicle accompanied by a flashing red light.

Winston slid under his seat. "It was nice workin' with you."

Peter buried his face in his hand. "Not again. We save New York and we get busted. Now we save Tokyo and they bust us. Can't a guy make an honest living? It wasn't like this when I was interviewing co-eds back at Columbia."

Egon looked up from his work long enough to respond. "We're going 30 kilometers over the speed limit. He's just going to give us a ticket." He went right back to work.

The others breathed a sigh of relief. Ray took the next offramp and spotted a gas station. He pulled into the tiny island and shut off the motor.

Peter looked at the police vehicle in the passenger side rear view mirror and noticed it was an unmarked police car. The sedan was tan in color and it had a police light placed on the driver's side roof. "Cheater! If they're going to bust us at least give us a chance to slow down."

Egon turned around and spotted the police car. "Odd, they usually don't use unmarked cars for traffic stops."

Ray kept his hands on the steering wheel. "They do now."

Winston had reached the floor and was trying to hide under the back seat. "If anyone asks, I just hitched a ride with you."

Peter crossed his arms while being miffed in his seat. "It's a long swim back to the US of A."

"I'll be thinkin' of ya while I'm hitching a ride back while they send you to Sing Sing."

"That would be impossible." Egon said without looking up from his hand held computer. "Sing Sing won't take inmates arrested for crimes in Japan, we'd probably be incarcerated for a few days and then deported."

Peter slowly shook his head. "You're an encyclopedia of everything I never wanted to know. Have you been to Wikipedia?"

Egon looked up from his palm top computer. On it was a page from Wikipedia about the Norse gods. "Yes."

In the car behind the hearse, Officer Narita turned off the engine and turned to his superior. Detective Miyashi was covered in bandages and had a bad attitude. Being run over by a dozen people, only to awaken when an archway fell on him tended to bring down any thought of a good mood. Narita placed his hands down from the steering wheel and shook his head. "You sure you want to talk to them?"

"I'm sure. The kid's got immunity and now his family's gone. These people are the only one's I've got right now. Besides, from what I've heard about them, they're already pretty shady." He reached over and opened the passenger door and limped out of the car. He grabbed a wooden pole he had found back at the Tendo residence wreckage and used it like a crutch. He slowly walked around the door to to the passenger side of the hearse. As he walked, he peered into the windows and saw a smoking metal box in the back and an African American man attempting to hide under the back seat. Yep, these guys were pretty shady.

Peter poked his head out of the window and greeted the officer with a cordial smile. "Howdy, officer. I don't speak Chinese."

"Don't worry," spoke the detective in perfect English. "Neither do I."

Egon tapped Peter on the shoulder. "They speak Japanese here."

"Japanese, Chinese, it's all the same to me."

The detective saw no humor in Peter's statement. Taking these people downtown sounded like a great idea. Maybe a few days incarcerated, then a deportation should show these foreigners some respect, and it would help cheer up the detective. "You all look the same to me too."

"Really? Because I think I look a lot better than him." Peter pointed to Ray, who was busy looking elsewhere.

"I have some questions for you. Please step out of the car."

Peter smugly answered. "That's not a question."

"Out." He was not amused.

Peter got out of the car and offered his hand. "Professor Peter Venkman, at your service."

Miyashi relucantly took his hand to give it a shake. "Detective Miyashi, Nerima Ward, I want you to tell me what you were doing at the Tendo residence."

"That's classified."

Miyashi's eyes became slits as his blood pressure raised a single digit. "Oh, really." He said with a bit of sarcasm. "And why is that?"

"That's classified too."

In the back of the car, the small metal box jumped and landed with a loud clanking sound. Everyone within earshot turned their heads towards it in shock. Miyashi took a step back and put his hands up in a martial arts defensive posture. "What was that?"

Peter nonchalantly answered, "That's classified too."

"Classified or not, I need to see what you've got in the back."

Ray leaned over toward the passenger window, "You're not from the E. P. A. are you?"

"No, I'm with the Tokyo Police Department, homicide."

Peter scratched his own shoulder to get rid of an itch. "Well, I'm sorry to tell you, the guy's already dead. We're just here to make sure he says that way."

Another loud clang was heard from the back of the car. Winston got up from the floor of the back seat and rolled down his window. "Since when does that happen?" He opened the door and got out. A cloud of white smoke billowed out from the open door.

Seeing that the car appeared to be on fire and they were parked next to a gasoline pump, the detective wasted no time performing his job. "Narita, call the Fire Department!" He turned his attention to the two remaining occupants of the car. "Get out of the vehicle and I want all of you over there." He pointed to the mini-mart that controlled the gas pumps. He watched the men exit the car, coughing and wheezing from the pungent smoke and they assembled where they were told.

Winston elbowed Egon who was still typing something into his pocket computer. "You got the check, right?"

Egon pulled the check out of his pocket, showed it to a happy Winston and promptly put the check back into a safe place. He pulled up a web page on his computer and read the text. "Fascinating."

Miyashi, confident that no one was left in the car. Hobbled backwards, taking extra care not to aggravate his injures. "Now, what's in that box you've got in the back? Is it dangerous?"

Egon looked up from his palm computer and looked the detective up and down. "For you, probably not."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Are you a female?" Egon asked scientifically.

Miyashi's eyebrows twitched and his blood pressure went up another few points. If this was another 'they all look the same joke' he was personally going to boot these men off the Japanese islands. "No."

"You've got nothing to worry about then."

The rear window of the hearse shattered as the ghost trap popped out and landed on the pavement. It kept on bouncing around and it landed on the hood of Narita's car. The officer jumped out of the vehicle and pulled out his gun. "Stop that thing!"

Ray blinked his eyes and faced his comrades. "Did that ever happen to you before?"

"No." "Nope." "No way in hell." Answered the trio.

Ray nodded in agreement. "Me neither."

"Turn that thing off!" Miyashi instantly regretted his words as the box turned and went straight for him. He dove to the side and landed in a small flower bed that was sitting in front of the mini-mart.

"Stop or I'll shoot!" Narita ran to assist the detective, all the while he kept his gun aimed at the Mexican Jumping Box.

Egon held up his hands in a warding sign, much like any other Japanese person would when they were showing shock or surprise. "I wouldn't do that. You could hit the power supply!"

Narita was too busy watching the box hop around, trailing a thick cloud of smoke that he didn't hear Egon's warning. He aimed his pistol and the moment the box hit the ground, he fired off a round. The bullet sparked off the metal and caused no real damage.

"Cease fire!" Ordered Miyashi as he got up from the flower bed. "We're at a gas station!"

Narita stood back, ready to take another shot when the box suddenly stopped jumping. It sat there, emitting even more smoke than before.

Peter slowly clapped his hands in mock applause. "I think you got it."

A device on Winston's belt started to beep. He pulled out the instrument and read the display. "What's going on? It is supposed to do that?"

"Oh, no." Ray took the little black box and read the readout. "The PK reading is growing exponentially."

"Is it like the river of slime?" Egon pulled up a note on his computer about their adventures with Psycho Kinetic slime that nearly destroyed New York.

"I think so, but it's rising at a rate I've never seen before."

"What are you blabbering about?" The detective was furious. What was supposed to be a routine questioning was turning into a long night.

Ray's forehead was covered in sweat. "I'd say we've got twenty seconds before we have a PK overload of biblical, even galactic proportions."

Winston sank to against the mini-mart entry doorframe. "So I've got twenty seconds to kiss my ass goodbye? I'm going inside to get a beer." He ran under the shop curtain and straight to the beverage section.

"Well Egon, think of something." Peter demanded. "I've got two tickets to Wicked and nothing's keeping me from seeing that show."

"What if we cross the streams?" Ray wondered aloud.

"In five seconds, not likely. Duck!" Egon hit the ground as did everyone else.

The beeping from the PK detector grew louder and faster paced until it was a solid loud tone. Suddenly, it was silent.

Peter peeked his eyes from behind the hands that covered his face. He lifted his head and saw that the ghost trap had stopped emitting smoke and wasn't moving anymore. Timidly, he slowly got up and brushed himself off. Around him, the few people that hadn't run screaming from the area stood up and milled about with a slight look of embarrassment. "Yeah, nothing to see. We meant to do that."

This had turned into a really long night and Miyashi was taking someone in. His victim was standing right in front of him. "Professor, I'm going to take you downtown for questioning."

"Why? What did I do?"

"Endangering public safety for one." He brushed himself off, taking a bit of care with the bandage on his arm. "Obstructing justice, and once the Hazmat team gets here, I'm certain I'll have you on pollution laws."

Ray frowned. "You are from the E. P. A., aren't you?"

"Never heard of them." He walked over to the box and picked it up by a black handle. "And this thing, will be checked in as evidence."

The three men collectively gasped as a red light blinked on the box. The three covered their heads and fell to the ground.

"Fool me once..." The detective said before the box exploded, leaving a small crater that had two men standing there. One, a tall bandaged detective who was in need of more bandages, and a short old man who also appeared to need medical help.

Happosai stood for a moment before the taller man started to fall on him. The gnome jumped out of the way and landed at the front of the mini-mart, just as Winston came out holding a bag filled with alcoholic drinks. "Don't mind if I do."

He snatched a large bottle of sake and slurped it down in one slurp, then threw the empty bottle to the ground in disgust. "Aw! That didn't work!"

Ray rolled his eyes. "There goes our paycheck guys."

"You mean this?" Happosai had the check in his hand. He lit it with a match, then used it to light his pipe. He inhaled from his pipe and grew angry. "That's not it either."

Egon pulled up his information on Happosai and read a few notes. "He's trying to recharge his powers. We've got to stop him."

"I could have told you that." He studied each and every person he could see. Every one of them was male except for the old woman across the street. She wouldn't do either. He stared at Detective Miyashi, who was pulling himself out of the crater. "There isn't a pretty lady in sight."

Miysahi felt strange. His injuries had healed and he felt light as a feather. With his new found strength, he easily got out of the hole in the ground. He pulled off his bandage on his right arm and found that the skin underneath was completely flawless. In fact, it was too flawless. Gone was the fine hair that normally was on his skin. He followed his arm and got a good look at his hands.

Odd was only scratching the surface at how his slender hands looked. His wedding ring felt loose and his fingers were thinner than he remembered. At the tips were finely manicured french tipped fingernails. He put his hands up and turned them around to examine them carefully.

Only a few meters away, stood a happy drooling pervert. "P-p-pretty lady!"

His tranformation was complete. Her cup size was officially a D and her measurements would rival that of a woman who posed for Playboy Magazine. Miss Miyashi's long black hair grew down to the small of her back and her suit and tie changed into a little black evening dress with matching black pumps. Pantyhose appeared on her legs and a light amount of makeup adorned her flawless facial features. The now female detective didn't have time to fully comprehend what happened before she had something attach itself to her breasts with an iron grip.

"Hotcha!" Happosai sucked out her energy in the only the way a true pervert could, through burying his face in her bosom. Without a word, the detective's eyes rolled into the back of her head and she fell backwards into the crater.

A moment later, a fully charged dirty old man jumped out of the pit, screaming in delight. "I'm hot tonight! Now, off to find the ladies!" Quickly, he bounded out of sight.

The Ghostbusters looked at each other in dismay and terror. Peter held out and open hand and placed a clenched fist in it. "Everyone in favor we leave town, say aye!" He raised his hand.

The other three raised their hands.

Peter nodded. "The aye's have it!"

Narita came out of shock and slowly approached the crater, fearful that whatever happened to the detective was contagious. He kneeled down and looked into the crater and found his boss lying on the bottom wearing his suit and tie and he was back to normal.

Miyashi opened his eyes and stared at the sky. "This has been a really, really long night."

* * *

Nodoka Saotome felt happy as she slowly closed the door to the spare bedroom. Inside, on the floor in assorted sleeping bags was the Tendo family. Kasumi, at her father's insistence, slept in the bed, while the rest slept soundly in their travelling bags. Nabiki's bag was the one that seemed to be in pristine condition while poor Ranko's looked like it had been used non-stop for years. Mrs. Saotome insisted Ranko use her son's old blanket. The girl was so grateful, she seemed on the verge of tears when she hugged it as if it was a long lost treasure. 

As the woman walked to her empty room. she couldn't help but wonder at the strange things that happened this night. Ranko and Akane kept making verbal jabs with each other in such a way that it was almost like they was a long married couple. If she didn't know any better, it was as if those two had feelings for each other. That was silly, they're both girls and almost sisters for that matter.

Still, when the minister announced he was performing a lesbian wedding, Akane didn't raise an objection. That made her very concerned about that Tendo's upbringing. Akane had been acting more like a boy than a girl ever since she had met her, yet the young Tendo wanted so hard to try to learn to be a good wife by working in the kitchen. She had already mastered boiling water and her curry could use a little work, but it was decent. However, her violent streak wasn't going to win her a husband and she had to be more like Ranko. She was going to be a perfect wife one day.

Nodoka couldn't understand why she was drawn to the red-headed Tendo. Most of the time, she was a perfect lady, but sometimes she was more of a tomboy than Akane. Tonight was the first time she saw just how much of a tomboy she really was. It was as if Ranko was a man. She charged into battle, defended that Devil Hunter and those martial arts moves... Where did she learn those from? Soun was a great martial artist, just like her husband, but what she saw was beyond anything she'd ever seen when her husband was winning those tournaments.

That was so long ago, she thought. She closed the door to her bedroom and went to her dresser drawer. On top of it was a faded old photograph with an expensive looking silver frame. It was a picture of her, holding her little boy in her lap. She remembered that day well. She had taken Ranma to the park and he was climbing the trees, showing off his skills to the other kids. There was even a little boy he played with before the boy's father took him away when they took their okonomiyaki business to another city. Mr. Kuonji was kind enough to take this picture only a few days before he left the city. It was a few months later, when Ranma left too.

She opened the top drawer and there was the paper that sealed her fate. On it, was a promise that her son would return someday, a man among men, or he and his father would perform seppuku, ritual suicide. Silently, she prayed that she would never have to perform the task of being their second; the swordsperson who'd slice off the heads of the condemned once they had plunged their short swords into their bellys. It was a mission of mercy, but the only mercy she would feel was when she would use the Saotome family katana to slit her own throat to follow her son to the grave. No, Ranma would never disappoint her. He was a man, someone any mother would be proud to call her own. She had to have faith.

She lit a long match and used it to light two candles. She clapped her hands twice and made the same prayer she did every night for the last ten years. "Please, ancestors, watch over my son and my husband. Bring my son home."

As she lay down in her bed, she felt at peace. Somehow, she knew her prayer had been answered.

* * *

Cologne sat in her bedroom, reading from an ancient text. She closed the book and hopped on her cane. Her long white hair billowed as she hopped toward a bookcase and she grabbed two books of interest and went back to her desk to study. She reached out to turn the page when she stopped to examine her hand. It was shriveled, aged and old. She sighed in envy at the few moments she had that reminded her of the body that she had thought she was never going to see again; the body of her youth. She and Shampoo were only five hundred meters away from the Tendo home before she felt the years catch up to her. In only a few moments, her body and clothes reverted to their natural form. 

Despite her desire to regain that youthful body, she thought the better of it. Anything involving Happosai came with a terrible price and something as priceless as eternal youth had to have a cost just as infinitely valuable. Whatever that cost was, Cologne was wise enough to know that it was too high. Still, she allowed herself a smile, because that little taste of her lost years was something that was going to make this old woman remember that she's still got a little spark left in her old bones. Going back the her study, she read a few paragraphs before there was a knock at the door. "Come in Shampoo."

The purple haired Amazon girl came in holding a bowl of ramen. "Here you go, Great-Grandmother, dinner!" She carefully placed the bowl on the table, close enough for her elder to easily reach it, yet a respectful distance away from the ancient Amazon texts.

"Thank you, child." She turned the page and found a picture that caught her interest. "Oh, heavens, Happi!"

"What you find, Great-Grandmother?" Shampoo edged closer to get a better look.

The old woman looked up at her descendent and star pupil. "This is what he's become." She pointed to the picture. It was of a hideous looking monster with long tentacles emerging from its back.

Shampoo barely kept her revulsion in check. "What that? It disgusting."

"Happi always had that effect on women. This, my dear child, is a demon of Perverted Sex." She read some of the prose. "The only good thing it says is that these creatures only live for a few days, but while it's alive, it performs acts of pure evil."

"What we do?" Shampoo was scared. Happosai was evil, but if his evil was increased by any number greater than one, it was a horrible thought indeed. This may be the right time to convince Ranma to accompany her to China or beyond.

Cologne read the text to the bottom of the page, and the next page made reference to a different kind of demon. "It seems that there's nothing we can do but ride this out. There's nothing in here to say what can do to defeat this creature. It's as if they die off before anyone can attempt any sort of countermeasure. I hate to say it, but this battle is already won. We just have to wait few days, and Happosai will die." She sat back in her chair. "Oh, Happi, you've really screwed up this time."

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Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and I won't inform your friends and family that you've secretly read Mad Magazine.. 

Last edited on Friday, July 6, 2007

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